


This Would Be A Murder Mystery (If Not For Pirates)

by Benedict_SC, MalkyTop



Category: One Piece
Genre: Fic War, Gen, Murder Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-09-30 06:57:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17219105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Benedict_SC/pseuds/Benedict_SC, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalkyTop/pseuds/MalkyTop
Summary: When a murder occurs on Captain Coby's ship, the Strawhats are not called in to help. No oneaskedthem to help. As far as Lieutenant Commander Helmeppo is aware, no one wanted them to be there. They are not detectives. And yet! And yet.





	1. here in the marines we do things by the book

**Author's Note:**

> Benedict (odd-numbered chapters): tumblr user autisticvoltronld, who as far as i can tell has been hacked and no longer exists so i'm not sure how to credit them, proposed the idea of "fic wars"- two authors, two genres, one ten-chapter fic. you trade off writing chapters, each time trying to force the story back into your chosen genre. i tried to write a murder mystery. malky tried to write madcap strawhat shenanigans. the end result is... kind of a you-got-your-chocolate-in-my-peanut-butter situation! against... all odds.
> 
> Malky (even-numbered chapters): two writers intentionally sabotage each other and then started dating

There were few things better than a good night’s sleep on dry land. No movement, no risk of seasickness, waking up to sunlight and the crowing of birds. Feeling refreshed, and stepping onto the floor of your own bedroom, ready to face the day. Truly, an experience like no other.

He _really_ wished he’d get to have it again someday.

As it was, he woke to the impact of his face against the floor as he was dumped out of his hammock. The world was a blur of shouting and nausea, and he’d have been disoriented even if it _weren’t_ pitch black apart from a few sputtering lanterns.

“Lieutenant Commander!” a voice shouted. He’d known the man’s name at one point, but it’d been a while since he’d referred to anyone by anything other than their rank- and he certainly wasn’t going to remember it now, fighting to keep himself from throwing up.

“W-what?!” he said, getting to his feet. If this wasn’t important, he was going to have Coby put whoever dumped him out of bed on latrine duty for the next forever.

“There’s been- there’s a- Captain Coby is-”

He perked up. “What? What happened to the captain?”

The officer floundered. “He’s- uh- he’s… stuck? Trapped? But that’s not the-”

Another officer interrupted, handing Helmeppo his coat and visor. “Doctor Fishbonen is dead, sir! Captain Coby is out of commission! We need your orders, sir!”

Helmeppo froze. Fishbonen was _dead?_ The kid was- out of commission? What did that even _mean?_

“I- I want a status report!” he shouted, putting on his most imperious commander voice while he put on his uniform. This was the first time anything like this had happened- Captain Nerdbag had _never_ been unavailable in an emergency. Helmeppo’s place in the chain of command was practically a formality, since the kid was a workaholic who refused to take time off.

“That _was_ the status report, sir,” one of the officers said. “We found the body a few minutes ago. Then we went for the captain, but we found him immobilized by one of Lieutenant Mineda’s bombs, and… we went straight to you, sir.”

“After raising the alarm,” the other said.

“Yeah,” the first confirmed. “Which means the other crew is up and about, too, and that other captain…”

“He’s stomping around giving orders to everyone,” a third officer- an ensign- said. “We need you to stabilize the situation, sir!”

Oh god. Seriously? He’d have to challenge _that_ guy’s authority?

* * *

It’d been early in the evening last night when the WMS Sublimity had sailed into view. It was waving distress flags, and its hull had been torn up and pockmarked by some terrifying attack. Coby hadn’t entertained for a moment the idea that it was a trap set by pirates- or if he had, he was so confident he could drive off a pirate ambush that _preparing_ for one would’ve felt redundant. It was that combination of earnest good-heartedness and unshakeable confidence that made the kid catch Garp’s eye. He’d immediately ordered the crew to prepare to aid a ship in need of assistance.

It wasn’t a pirate ambush, but it might as well’ve been.

The captain of the WMS Sublimity was a man whose name was- and he wasn’t sure whether it was a chosen name or if the man’s parents were at fault- Very Good. He had something of a reputation as a black ops type- he and his crew worked closely with Cipher Pol, doing shady government coverup-type stuff. He’d never risen through the ranks, despite the resources invested in crewing his ship, because it suited the higher-ups more to keep the man on a tight leash.

The reason for the leash was clear. Very Good wasn’t interested in keeping the peace, or running a fleet, or anything like that. He was one of the thugs, the petty tyrants who used Marine authority as an excuse to take what they wanted from the people.

Kind of like dad, that way. Kind of like how _he_ might’ve been.

And- and his name was _Very Good!_ People called him that! All the brutality and shady doings aside, _that was his actual name!_ That bothered Helmeppo more that just about anything else.

It really should’ve been the hostile takeover of the WMS Ten Thousand Stars that got his goat. Coby had been prepared to offer his full assistance to Very Good and his crew, but that hadn’t been good enough for that creep. He hadn’t even seemed to realize that Coby was voluntarily offering to assist- he’d just _boarded_ while ignoring the captain’s questions about the damage and the injured, barking orders to the crew as if Coby didn’t exist. Very Good wasn’t interested in doing anything at all that wasn’t his own idea.

Well, unless the giant masked man in the cloak told him to do it. When the giant masked man in the cloak said to do something, Very Good would scowl and then rephrase it to his men as if he’d been the one to come up with it. This had been incredibly suspicious, but the man’s identity was just one more question Very Good didn’t feel like acknowledging.

What Helmeppo had been able to piece together (from interrogating the Sublimity’s crew, not from talking to Very Good,) was that they’d had a run-in with the Strawhat Pirates. They’d been restocking on the nearby Long Tooth Island, and… well, it wasn’t exactly clear who’d started the fight. What _was_ clear was that the Strawhats, despite being scattered and uncoordinated, had more or less mopped the floor with Very Good and his crew, forcing a retreat.

More or less. The “less” was that Very Good’s toady, Lieutenant Nawawana, had restrained and kidnapped the Strawhats’ doctor, Tony Tony Chopper. A Devil Fruit power, the Rope Rope fruit, let the old man come apart at the joints like a marionette and fling his limbs around with prehensile cords, which he’d used to tie up the little raccoon thing and escape before the Strawhats’ _giant death robot_ was able to finish destroying the Sublimity with an artillery bombardment.

(This was evidenced by a pattern of cannonball holes on one side of the ship, reading “SUPEP”.)

Since arriving, Very Good had done his best to turn the ship into his own personal pleasure cruise. His own wounded were tossed in the sickbay for Dr. Fishbonen to treat, but rather than order the Ten Thousand Stars’ crew to begin repairs on the Sublimity, he’d set everyone to cooking a giant feast- which would leave them short on rations for several weeks, but that was none of Very Good’s concern.

When Very Good had decided to commandeer the bunks in the officers’ quarters, rather than sleep on his own ship, _that’s_ when Coby had stopped putting up with his nonsense.

Or, tried. Very Good had made a quick turnaround from tyrant to slimeball as soon as Coby showed the slightest sign of opposition. The kid just didn’t have the _weight_ to throw around. Admiral Akainu had a special grudge against Coby from his insubordination during the Marineford incident, and the only thing keeping him from being discharged was Garp’s insistence. Getting into a fight with another captain less than a month after being given command of his own ship… it’d be exactly the sort of excuse Akainu needed to get rid of Coby once and for all. Very Good knew that all too well, and he’d taken full advantage of it to bully Coby into submission.

So Helmeppo and the kid had been kicked out of their bunks in the officers’ quarters, in favor of Very Good and Nawawana. It’s why he’d woken up being flung out of an uncomfortable hammock in the crew berths, rather than being shaken out of a marginally less uncomfortable cot in the officers’ quarters.

* * *

“I want every man on this ship lined up in front of me!” Very Good yelled. “I’ll look each and every one of you sorry balls of bilge in the eye, until I know who did it!”

“L-lined up how, sir? Where? There’s over two hundred-”

“FIGURE IT OUT,” he roared. The word “marine” tattooed on his chin contorted when his jaw unhinged. It was a freaky bonus of his Berry Berry Fruit power- his body could come apart into a bunch of floating orbs, which he could sort of telekinetically control. Made it impossible to just _hit_ the guy- and dodging would be tough, too, since you’d have to deal with any part of his body attacking from any angle.

But… okay. This wasn’t ideal, but he could manage. He’d use the same approach Coby had gone with- staying in the background, quietly giving orders where Very Good couldn’t hear. Running damage control.

Helmeppo flipped down his visor. He was meant to act as Captain Nerdbag’s support, since the infrared vision could make out heat signatures behind cover and spot potential threats. Ever since the kid had developed that Observation Haki, though, all the visor did was help him _keep up_ with Coby’s freaky aura-vision.

It highlighted a few things in the sickbay.

First, the dozen-odd wounded marines occupying the beds. 11 of the 24 beds were empty, as the people there had apparently recovered enough to be woken by Very Good’s shouting and had been pressed into miscellaneous tasks. He could tell, since the beds they’d vacated were still giving off a little heat. They’d been battered beyond belief not a few hours ago- Fishbonen worked fast.

... _Had_ worked fast.

Of the thirteen remaining marines, ten appeared to be in stable condition. Their wounds and lost limbs were bandaged, and Dr. Fishbonen’s medicine was keeping them asleep.

“Nailing” Isuka, an ensign under Very Good, wasn’t doing quite as well. She’d received a concussion and several broken bones in a fight with Black Leg Sanji. He’d heard the story from one of Very Good’s crewmen- apparently she and a dozen other marines had been grouped up when he did some sort of impossibly fast whirlwind kick, and she’d been knocked out. _Then,_ Black Leg had suffered some sort of panic attack when he noticed he’d kicked her. He’d tried to resuscitate her, failing and breaking a few of her ribs in the process. When _that_ didn’t work, he’d given her some kind of spinal damage with an improperly executed fireman’s carry, taking her to the Strawhats’ doctor for treatment.

Reports conflicted on what had transpired from there, but it’d evidently been the point where Nawawana had captured Tony Tony Chopper- on top of rescuing the other battered marines who Black Leg hadn’t been quite so remorseful about hurting. No one was quite sure why _she’d_ been singled out, but the glaring fact that she’d been a woman and the other twelve were _not_ women… that said about all it needed to say.

Isuka was still in bad condition. Her bones had been set, but her body was struggling to keep up with the injuries. He could see her body temperature was below average, and her breathing was irregular.

There were two more marines of interest. One was Fullbody, a former lieutenant who’d been demoted to Seaman over some sort of scandal in the East Blue. Ironically, only half of his body was working- he’d suffered a spinal fracture in the fight, and only his upper body was functioning. From his breathing, it looked like he was asleep.

From the _other_ guy’s breathing, it was obvious he was _pretending_ to be asleep. Jango had been a personnel transfer to the Sublimity from Rear Admiral Hina’s crew, along with Fullbody. From his body temperature and breathing, he was clearly wide awake, but he was keeping very still- probably to avoid having to deal with Very Good’s orders.

And then there was one more person in the room. Helmeppo hadn’t seen him at first, since he was on the floor, and wasn’t giving off a heat signature.

Dr. Fishbonen was dead.

“YOU!” Very Good shouted, and Helmeppo hoped it wasn’t directed at- “Lieutenant Commander! What’re you doing just standing around?”

He took a deep breath. “I’m investigating the scene of the crime.”

“The scene of the crime, _sir,”_ Very Good corrected. “Since your captain’s out of commission, that means _I’m_ in charge here. Only _one_ captain on this boat right now!”

That wasn’t remotely how the chain of command worked.

“That is not remotely how the chain of command works,” he said, his mouth moving in spite of everything his brain was screaming about what not to say.

“...Say _what,_ blondie?” There was exactly as much menace in Very Good’s voice as he’d been expecting.

“With Captain Coby unavailable, I am next in the chain of command on this vessel,” Helmeppo’s mouth insubordinately continued. “I will be assuming the duties of captain until he is able to give orders.”

Very Good’s face contorted into a sneer. “Is that so? Let me tell you something about the _chain of command,”_ he said. He rolled up one sleeve, and took a step towards Helmeppo. The situation couldn’t possibly scream “Helmeppo was about to get punched” any louder.

Helmeppo was paralyzed with fear. Or, he should have been. That’s what his brain was saying to be, anyway. The part of him that was dead-set on defending Captain Nerdbag’s honor, though, was drawing a kukri from his belt.

The situation, mercifully, ended when a giant looming black shadow in the doorway behind Very Good reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Let’s not,” the shadow said.

Very Good’s throat worked. Helmeppo was very familiar with that sort of fury. It was common to big men like him- and like Morgan, and even sometimes like Garp. The bottled rage of a physical powerhouse being told what to do, and being unable to cause a ruckus to get their way.

“...You want Admiral Akainu to hear about this, kid?” Very Good eventually spat out.

Helmeppo shrugged. “I doubt he even knows my name. It’s Coby who has to worry about _him._ Personally, I don’t see any reason I ought to let _you_ run _my_ ship.”

That had been such a _stupid_ thing to say, so _stupid,_ Very Good was going to snap and call his bluff and break his nose, and-

Very Good froze, and then relaxed and laughed. “All right then, _captain!_ How ‘bout you go check on your superior officer, then? Get him out of that _jam_ he’s stuck in, heh heh.”

Oh. Well, okay. That was fine. It was a really obvious ruse to try and put Coby back “in charge”, so Very Good could have the run of the ship again… but that seemed like so much less of a priority than not having his face smashed in. As soon as Coby was back, Very Good would officially no longer be Helmeppo’s problem.

* * *

Nawawana was stationed by the door to Coby’s office. Officially, he was “keeping watch”, but apparently the old man was actually “being asleep”, leaning against the wall and snoring.

The person who actually greeted him at the door was the person who Nawawana had tied up, coiled tightly and bound with his left leg. Nawawana had been using his prisoner as a sort of peg leg, while his actual lower leg was incorporated into the knot keeping the bonds in place.

“Is that… hey! Are you Helmeppo?” the peg leg’s head said. Or, whispered.

“Oh! ...Hello,” Helmeppo said to Tony Tony Chopper, who’d worked his head free of the rope cocoon.

“What’s happening here? After I got kidnapped… is this Vice-Admiral Garp’s ship?”

“The term is “arrested”, not “kidnapped,” Helmeppo pointed out, “and… not quite. No. It’s Coby’s ship, but it’s mostly the same design. Just a little smaller.”

“...Okay,” Chopper said. He seemed a little sad about the “arrested” comment.

“Do you know anything about the murder?” Helmeppo asked. Maybe Chopper had noticed something, from inside Nawawana’s rope leg.

Chopper’s eyes went wide. “M-murder?! There was a- there was a murder?!”

“Everyone has been shouting about it for a while now,” he said. “Is that rope trap thing soundproof?”

Chopper shook his head. “No, I can hear what’s going on around me… I just haven’t heard anything about- wait, who died?!”

Helmeppo sighed. “Fishbonen. Our ship’s doctor.”

If it was possible, Chopper’s expression grew even more despondent. “W-wait! _Emilio_ Fishbonen? From ‘New Techniques in Motor Nerve Therapy for Ostealgia’?”

...That _was_ his name, but he had no idea the doctor had a _book._

“I’m… afraid so. We don’t know who did it, and I’m conducting an investigation now. You don’t know anything?”

Chopper shook his head, a look of frozen horror on his face. “I- I don’t know. But- but I want to help! I- I can’t forgive whoever did this!”

...Was the raccoon a big fan of Fishbonen? What was up with that?

“If you want to help… I need to know you’re not going to try and run away.”

Chopper looked unimpressed. “Run away to where? I’m a Devil Fruit user, remember? It’s not like I could swim away.”

Oh, no. He wasn’t _that_ gullible. He knew what Tony Tony Chopper was all about. “You couldn’t… take some of your special medicine, and turn into some kind of flying form? Or hulk out, overpower everyone, and steal a ship? There’s absolutely no risk of you escaping and getting me demoted?”

“That’s not the point!” Chopper shouted. “I want to get justice for Dr. Fishbonen! That’s all! I- I promise! I’ll let you tie me up again after we solve it!”

...Wait. “Why should we untie you at all? You can help solve a mystery while you’re tied up, right?”

Chopper looked a little bit sheepish. “Uh… oh. Right.”

“So, nice try. I hate to say it, but we’ve brought you in fair and square.”

He grimaced. “Well… fine! But I still want to help! Tied up or not!”

They’d stopped whispering their conversation somewhere in the middle of that, and as a consequence, Nawawana was starting to wake up.

“...Eh? What’s- tickles- huh?”

Crap. He had to think fast. ...Right? Did he have to think fast? It probably wasn’t the end of the world if Nawawana knew they were talking. He’d _have_ to know they were talking, if Chopper was going to help investigate from inside the man’s leg.

“Lieutenant Nawawana,” Helmeppo said, snapping the man out of his sleepy stupor.

“Eh? Who?”

“I am Lieutenant Commander Helmeppo of the WMS Ten Thousand Stars,” he said, hoping he sounded official enough to impress the old-timer. “I’m told that Captain Coby is somehow incapacitated inside this room?”

Chopper, for his part, had taken the rope he’d dislodged and quickly piled it up around his head, trying to feign captivity.

“...Oh. You. The, eh… the boss wants you lookin’ around in here?”

He nodded, trying his best to maintain an imposing and dignified posture.

“Have at it, then,” Nawawana said, yawning. “Just inside the door.”

Helmeppo opened the door to the captain’s study, and was met with a mass of purple foam.

It filled a good portion of the room, centered on where Coby’s chair was supposed to be. It was sort of shaped like that, too- and he could see a shoe sticking out of part of it near the bottom. Coby was almost certainly inside, anchored to his own chair and writing desk by a stiff, sort of gooey foam that completely blocked his vision, hearing, and ability to move. His olfactory senses were likewise blocked- not by the foam, which was porous enough to breathe through- but by the strong grape-scented smell it gave off.

He knew exactly what the foam was. It was the effect of the Grape Grape Fruit, a power that belonged to Lieutenant “Jelly” Mineda, one of his direct subordinates. Coby had picked her for his crew based on the description of her ability, which he’d thought was perfect for nonlethally disabling enemy combatants. Her hair was a sort of gooey purple substance that clumped up into balls which could be plucked from her head. In their ordinary form, they were just sort of sticky- but when squeezed in one hand, they could be primed as bombs. A few seconds after unsqueezing, the bombs would undergo a chemical reaction and rapidly expand into a foam, which would quickly harden and trap anything caught in the blast radius.

Coby had _not_ picked her for his crew based on an evaluation of her personality and disciplinary record. He probably hadn’t even _looked_ at that information before hiring her. He’d never have gone for it, otherwise. She was, in Helmeppo’s opinion, an utter lecherous creep. She’d joined the marines so that she could be surrounded by “hunky dudes” all the time, and he’d have reported her for sexual harassment many times over if the marines actually had rules against that sort of thing.

Anyway, her power had apparently been used to trap the captain in grape-scented foam, and it wouldn’t dissolve for at least another 18 hours. He would have to go it alone.

...Or, not alone.

“Lieutenant Nawawana? I’d like you to join me in the sickbay to assist in the investigation.”

“Eh? Is that an order?”

“...From Very Good, yes,” he lied. “There’s not much point in guarding the captain here- he’s not going anywhere.”

“Well, all right, sonny. If the boss says so.”

Of course, it wasn’t Nawawana’s help he was expecting. He snuck a glance at Nawawana’s peg leg, which had developed a pair of eyeholes.


	2. oh you’re trying to do a murder mystery, for a one piece fic? that’s adorable

There was something bothering Chopper. And no, it wasn’t the murder (but that was pretty high up there because oh my gosh, what the heck, there’s been a  _ murder, _ he was on a ship where a murderer murdered a murder victim and the murderer was  _ still on the ship probably _ , a ship that he was currently  _ kidnapped/arrested _ in), nor was it being cocooned in rope and being used as a foot (well, that was also bothering him a lot, but bothering in a different sense, like the irritation sort of bother rather than the niggling anxiety sort of bother because that’s just being rude, c’mon).

He was forgetting something, or not exactly forgetting, but...not giving something its due consideration. And maybe if he wasn’t battling leg-sickness, maybe if he wasn’t super concerned about there being a  _ murderer _ in the vicinity, maybe if he wasn’t focused on the fact that someone murdered  _ Dr. Fishbonen,  _ then maybe it would have been possible to have a sit-down and figure out what it was that he wasn’t considering. But the constant up-and-down of the marine’s leg finally led to a room that smelled distinctly of antiseptics and old blood and that weird gauze smell that he couldn’t quite describe. And, something that was probably far more evident to him due to his current proximity to the floor, there was the deceased doctor, splayed out in front of his eyes.

“Well,” said Helmeppo’s vaguely tremulous voice, “Let’s begin.”

“Sure,” Chopper’s captor said for him.

* * *

“Found it.”

Nami passed the binoculars to the empty space to her left, which was quickly occupied by Luffy, who snatched them out of the air and almost flipped over the railing in his haste to see the thing Nami found. He managed to get an eyeful of magnified ocean, and then an eyeful of a bare horizon, before Nami forcefully twisted his neck in the right direction.

And yup, there was the marine ship alright. With the stupid marine flag and those stupid marine sails and the stupid holes he punched in it. There was also another marine ship attached to it at the hip, which was only tangentially relevant to his interests. “Okay, thanks! Let’s go!” Luffy shouted, jumping up on the railing with his eyes still fixed on the ship(s) ahead. Before he walked right off the Sunny, Jinbei pulled him back and took the binoculars for himself. 

“I’d say that’s about seventy nautical miles,” Nami said.

“I can make that in about half an hour by myself. Maybe an hour dragging Sunny.”

“Too slow!” Luffy declared, dangling with his arms akimbo. “We gotta get Chopper before they jail him in prison!”

“Uh.  _ Would _ they put him in prison...? His bounty is 100 berry. They still think he’s a pet...actually, what would the marines do with a pirate’s  _ pet?” _

“Perhaps make a pirate’s pet dish?” Brook suggested jovially, only to earn a devastatingly deadly glare from Robin. Brook’s skull seemed to sink into his boa until he was almost all afro. “Excuse me...sorry...it won’t happen again...”

“How many people can you carry without slowing down?” Nami continued, still staring out to sea.

Jinbei rubbed his chin in thought. “For average size and weight, no devil fruits? Two. You want me to take you over there?”

For the first time in hours, Nami dropped her serious air and spluttered, “ _ Me?!  _ No way! You’d drop off a delicate girl in the middle of a bunch of marine thugs?!”

“Ooh! Me! Me! Take me!”

“There are  _ multiple _ reasons why it shouldn’t be you.” 

“Name,” Luffy considered for a moment, “...three!”

“You’ll slow Jinbei down, you have no concept of sneaking, you’ll probably sink the ships before even finding Chopper.”

It took a few seconds for Luffy to even process Nami’s rapid fire response, and he had to go over it again and count. “Oh.”

“If those are the limitations, then that does not leave a lot of options,” Robin pointed out.

“I assume we are thus excluding Franky-san, Robin-san, Zoro-san, and I.”

“Wait, why me?!”

“We don’t need to rescue a second bro, bro.”

“ _ Rescue?!  _ What the hell would you be rescuing me from?!”

“Observation Haki would also be useful here, considering the size of the ship and the number of people to avoid,” Nami continued, ignoring Zoro’s insistent ‘Oi!’

“But Sanji’s kinda,” Usopp started, and they all turned as one to look at where the sad heap of suit and smoke had collapsed and stayed ever since the whole fight that started this mess. It was unclear what caused this incapacitation, but everybody had no doubt that it was stupid. “So there’s nobody we can send, I guess.”

At some point, everybody started staring at Usopp.

“Oh,” said Usopp after a long pause, and another long pause later, he bolted for the kitchen.

It took both Franky and Jinbei to pry his fingers off the doorframe, leaving faint scratches that Franky grumbled about under his breath. Jinbei tucked Usopp under his arm as he started screaming. “I only just got it! I used it by accident! I don’t know how! You’re sending me to my doom in a nest of marines! I’ve got a ‘Can’t Go On A Rescue Mission’ Disease! I’m a freaking  _ sniper,  _ I can’t fight in enclosed spaces!  _ Sanjiiiiiiii, save me!” _

But Sanji remained traitorously depressed and Jinbei said, “You may want to close your mouth,” and then they were up and over and down in the sea moving so fast that Usopp couldn’t even remember what direction the Sunny was and  _ wait a minute the devil fruit users could use the Shark Submerge and Jinbei could pull it. _

Usopp had thirty minutes to mull over this as they zoomed towards his inescapable death.

* * *

“Well?”

“It all looks bad. Sorry, guess we have to go back.”

Jinbei swatted some ocean at him, which, given what he could do with that, was really irresponsible to be honest. Luckily for Usopp, it was just a normal swat instead of a super-powered fishman swat and the water just splashed in his face the way that water does normally. 

“Okay, okay,” Usopp grumbled, snapping his goggles over his eyes. Not that the goggles helped him with Observing or anything, but it felt right (and would block any other seawater attack). 

There was a moment where Usopp thought that maybe he would have a legitimate excuse, and then the thing happened where he could see where people were without seeing the people. 

Immediately, he could see a place he could be dropped off without any fuss. The ship Luffy had already beat up was largely empty, and there were plenty of holes that Jinbei could just toss him through without attracting any attention at all. (Rats.) Of course, that also meant Chopper wasn’t in there. (Double rats.)

The other ship was. Busy. And there was a big honking cloud of people all coalescing around this one place in the middle, so close that it was hard to distinguish them. Aaaand Chopper was probably somewhere in that mass. That he was supposed to get to. Without being noticed. (Better call in the rat exterminator, ‘cause we’ve got a rat infestation...)

But. Well. He had to get Chopper. So it was only with a little resignation that Usopp gestured towards the beat-up ship and around to a hole that was out of sight of the other ship and also in an area with no people.

Jinbei sent Usopp up in a gentle wave of water that deposited him with a terrible squelch onto the floor of what used to be a galley. “How long should I give you?”

“Wait,  _ what?”  _ Usopp dripped his way back to the hole in the hull. “You aren’t coming with me?” he said in the most indignant and quietest way he could. 

Jinbei gestured at his whole girth and raised one of his impressively large eyebrows. 

“Okay, point taken. Uh…gimme an hour and then tell them to head over, unless you see like, something weird get fired in the air? Then tell them to head over faster.”

Jinbei nodded and dove under the waves and then Usopp was alone.

Haha. Ha.

The ruined galley was a graveyard of cookery and cutlery. And maybe if he had brought Sanji along the cook would have revived like a really pissed off phoenix. 

And given that it was Luffy who actually caused the ruin, would have ran right back to the Sunny to kick his ass, leaving Usopp in the same situation he was in now, except with a feeling of slight betrayal. So maybe this was the better deal.

There were a couple cots in a nearby room, or at least a couple piles of kindling and cloth, and given the excess of space and decorative flair, it had to be the commander’s room. Or, the captain. Admiral? Whatever the rank was. The air actually felt pleasantly warm despite the huge hole in the wall, and it turned out that whoever owned this room had the perks of a personal furnace for the cold nights.

Which was still on.

Now that was just plain dangerous.

Being a good samaritan, Usopp cut off the gas so that the fire died down, and then saw something shift at the fringes of his vision.

There was a  _ really frikkin huge snake in the room with him. _

The  _ ridiculously large snake _ raised its head and opened its mouth wide, ready to swallow Usopp whole (it actually seemed like it was yawning, but this was a not-paranoid way of thinking that Usopp did not subscribe to). Usopp managed to not scream. Instead, he snatched a smoke bomb from his pocket and launched it straight upward in less than a second. And then realized that he forgot about ceilings.

The smoke bomb bounced back down and instantly filled the room with red smoke.

He really,  _ really _ hoped the goddamn enormous snake was as blind as him right now. Otherwise he was gonna feel real stupid.


	3. shut up, there’s such a murder, and so many mysteries, you’ll see

“Nawawana,” Helmeppo said, waving a hand in front of the old man’s face.

“Wh- wha? I’m… I’m at attention!” he said, having just dozed off.

“Your prisoner. The, uh… little… whatever it is,” he said, hearing a muffled protest of some sort from inside Nawawana’s leg cocoon. “It’s a doctor. How about we… force it to do a field autopsy?”

Nawawana grinned, exposing a number of missing teeth. “Yeah, force that little shit to…” he said, the grin faltering. “To do what on top of what?”

“An autopsy,” Helmeppo said. Was the old man senile, or had he just been the sort of commoner who’d never gone to school? “It’s when a doctor looks at a dead body to determine a cause of death.”

“...I knew that, sonny. Just didn’t hear you, is all. Ears are goin’.”

Oh. He felt a little guilty for assuming… well, no! No, he was probably just covering for himself. The old man was probably a big moron. He was allowed to think that!

“Problem is,” Nawawana said, “what if the little rat escapes? He can  _ transform,  _ y’know. He looks harmless now, but…”

“He won’t,” Helmeppo said, drawing his pistol. “I’ll make sure of it.”

There was a soft “eep” from inside the cocoon. Did- did Chopper think he was making a serious threat? It was all part of the ruse, to make the nasty old geezer think he was playing Bad Cop. Did the little guy have any sense of subterfuge?

“I’m gonna hold on to his legs,” Nawawana said, unspooling some of the rope. The slack slowly retracted into his body with a loud zipping sound.  “Gotta keep that animal on a short leash.”

That was fine, more or less. Unless Nawawana was the culprit, there was no real reason not to let him stick around during the investigation. Helmeppo watched the man’s leg spin around and around, releasing most of Chopper’s body. The leg still coiled around Chopper’s ankles, individually.

Helmeppo pointed the gun at Chopper, who was either very frightened or very good at playing the part he’d improvised for him. He cleared his throat and put on his best “snobbish marine captain” voice. “See that dead body, pirate? You are going to take a look at it and tell me how he died. If you take one  _ step  _ in a different direction, you will find out exactly how swift my trigger finger can be.”

“O-okay!” Chopper said, doing a really good job of looking like he was holding back panic. Helmeppo gave him a wink- but, whoops, he’d already turned towards the body, pulling more of Nawawana’s rope out with more loud zipping. He... really hoped the adorable raccoon thing wasn’t actually scared.

Chopper seemed a lot less afraid of the dead body than of Helmeppo’s gun. His little hooves worked quickly- although he couldn’t exactly follow what they were  _ doing.  _ He was pinching various parts of Fishbonen’s skin, moving his limbs back and forth, poking around in his various face holes, and  _ hmmm _ ing and  _ I see _ ing at random. What exactly was he figuring out, from all that? How was he able to look a dead man in the eyes with that stern, vaguely curious look on his face? 

Helmeppo, for his part, would have heaved if the last few years of his life hadn’t been a trial by fire in the art of Not Throwing Up No Matter How Badly You Feel Like Throwing Up Right Now.

“I-I think I know what killed him,” Chopper said, stepping back from the body.

“That right?” Nawawana asked.

“Then report, pirate scum, or there won’t be just  _ one  _ dead body in this room,” Helmeppo said, brandishing the gun. Was he laying it on a little thick? He lifted his visor and winked again, now that he had Chopper’s attention.

...Chopper gave him a devastatingly unimpressed look. Which was, technically, a relief- but he, he hadn’t been  _ that  _ obvious!

“Judging by the marks on his neck, the state of his windpipe, and the uneven tissue deoxygenization… I’m pretty- no, I’m- I’m 100% confident that this was a strangulation!”

“Strangulation?” Helmeppo asked. He had a bad feeling, all of a sudden.

“H-hold it!” Nawawana said, his jaw accidentally falling off for a moment before he reeled it back in. (What, was being able to unhinge one’s jaw like a snake a prerequisite to being on Very Good’s crew?) “I’m- listen, I know what you punks are thinkin’, but it weren’t me! You- you don’t have- anyone coulda done it!”

“Huh? What?” Chopper asked.

Helmeppo sighed. “The Rope Rope fruit. The cause of death points to Nawawana, kind of, but it’s hardly proo-”

“WHOA!” was what Chopper said, when Nawawana yanked him into the air by his legs.

“I didn’t do it, y’hear me?” he said, looking the upside-down Chopper in the eyes and shaking him back and forth. “Sixty-one years I been a Marine lieutenant! Sixty-one years of a spotless record! Exemplary service! You hear me?!”

“Let’s put the prisoner down,” Helmeppo said, holstering his gun and raising his hands. “I’m sure he didn’t mean to imply-”

“And I couldn’t’a done it! And I’ll tell you why!”

**FOR THE RECORD: DAICHI NAWAWANA’S TESTIMONY**

“You know what happened, you understand? It weren’t me! I know my exact whereabouts, I’ll tell you- my exact whereabouts, since sundown!

“Right after everyone ate in the mess hall, I decided to turn in early, over in the officers’ quarters! Thanks a ton for bein’ required to surrender your key to the room, by the way, Lieutenant Commander. I lay me down to bed, all on my own, before anyone else came in there. You know the room- there’s the four cots, two on each wall, one above the other. Now, me, I were bottom bunk, by for the necessity- couldn’t have my prisoner hangin’ off the side of the top bunk. I fell asleep right then.

“But some while later- I don’t recall so clear, ‘cept it was dark- them two lady officers on your crew barged in, the ones that sleep in there. They each had their keys on ‘em, and they were havin’ a row over some sorta women talk. Don’t rightly remember what it were about. Loud, though. Woke me clean up. Those two took to bed in the bunks across- that Lieutenant “Jelly” Mineda down bottom, and Lieutenant Olivia Quill up on top.

“Afore I could fall asleep again- I reckon it were only three minutes- the captain showed up, usin’ his own key to the room. His were the bunk above mine- your Coby graciously offered it up. And he were in a hell of a state- fumin’, said the steam engines were a mess. Said I needed to get out of bed and go help fix ‘em. Now- on account of my two left feet, and mechanical misapprehensions- I ain’t allowed down in the engine room. Them techs wouldn’t have it. I said as much, the cap’n yelled at me, and I headed down there anyway. Over to our own ship.

“As much as I told him it were a certainty, I got jammed in the works. Tried to help like they said, even tried to help like they said not to, and wouldn’t you know it- I got tangled in the gears. S’why they don’t let me down there. Hurt like the dickens! They called for help, and soon your Captain Coby and Doctor Fishbonen were on the scene. Coby untangled me, and your doc took me back to sickbay. Gave me first priority! Had me fit as a fiddle in minutes.

“So, I went straight to bed after leavin’. Didn’t kill the man! He saw me off, friendly as you please. It were a little dark, findin’ my way back to the room, but the officers’ quarters are closeby- I felt my way along the walls, used my key, and climbed back into my cot. Stayed there the whole night, ‘til my captain woke me up sayin’ there’d been a murder! Don’t know what happened while I were out cold, but I know it weren’t me what did it!”

* * *

Helmeppo took it in. It… didn’t sound good.

“I don’t want to finger you as the culprit,” he said, slowly.

“Great! Because I ain’t! That oughta be clear by now!”

“...but your story doesn’t appear to… actually give you an alibi. In fact, it seems like it incriminates you even more.”

“What?! You insolent-”

“Helmeppo, stop!” Chopper said, as Nawawana shook him around in a fury. “You’re making him- whoa, whoa, whooooa! Mad!”

He sighed. “I’m sorry, but… according to your own testimony, you were the last person to see Dr. Fishbonen alive. You say you left the sickbay in the middle of the night, and the next thing you knew, he was dead.”

Nawawana scowled. “Weren’t you listenin’? I said the doctor was  _ alive  _ when I left!”

“No, I understand that,” Helmeppo said, rubbing at his temples. “But if you’d committed the crime, that part could be a lie. There’s no one who can back up your story.”

He staggered from a soft impact.

“Ow! Hey! Quit it!” Chopper said, having been smacked into Helmeppo.

“You insolent- you- you shitty- your elders- do you have any idea-” Nawawana sputtered, swinging Chopper back and forth at him. He put one hand on a kukri, ready to defend himself.

“Helmeppo! I can v-verify his story!” Chopper said, dizzy from the spinning. “I was there! I’m his alibi!”

Oh! Right! Chopper was being held captive by Nawawana the whole time, so he’d have been present for the whole thing.

“That’s right!” Nawawana said, waving Chopper in Helmeppo’s face. “Tell ‘im, rat!”

“I’m not a rat!” Chopper protested, fruitlessly waving his arms around to try to grab on to something.

**FOR THE RECORD: TONY TONY CHOPPER’S TESTIMONY**

“I… I didn’t see anything while I was tied up. But I could hear the whole thing, even if it was a little muffled. It checks out!

“He was definitely in the mess hall, and then he went to bed. I could hear him unlock and open the door to the officer’s quarters. The stuff he said about- about the lieutenants, Jelly and Quill, that was true. They came in and went to bed. And then- well, it was more like ten minutes, not three, but then Very Good came in, and ordered Nawawana to check out the engines.

“He went down there, and I got caught up in the gears too, because I was trapped in his body. I didn’t get hurt nearly as bad, though. I heard Coby and Fishbonen show up to help, and then I remember us being taken to the sickbay. I got to hear Fishbonen at work- and, uh, then Nawawana left and went back to bed, just like he said. Fishbonen said “let me know if you need anything” right as Nawawana was leaving, so… so he was definitely still alive!

“After he went back to bed… I remember a few more things, since I was too hungry to sleep. The door to the officers’ quarters opened three more times that night! Once, I couldn’t tell who it was- all I heard was their footsteps. The second time, it was… Lieutenant Quill, I think? She came in and dragged the other one, Jelly, out of bed, saying something about her pranks going too far this time. They started blaming each other for something unspecific that they didn’t really address, about her hair, and then… Jelly started getting violent, and Quill ran away. Jelly followed her, and… I didn’t hear anything for a while after that.

“The third time, it was... Very Good entering the room. He came to wake up Nawawana, told him there’d been a murder, and… then he got stationed outside Coby’s office. That’s it! Nawawana didn’t leave the room that whole time!”

* * *

Helmeppo immediately saw a hole in the testimony.

“Chopper,” he said, carefully, “Lieutenant Nawawana’s power lets him extend any of his body parts however he wants. Just because  _ you  _ never left those quarters… doesn’t mean Nawawana didn’t leave. He could have just let his leg go slack, and left the room with the rest of his body to go do the murder. That’s what that first door opening could’ve been.”

“Ack!” Chopper said, as Nawawana’s grip tightened.

“Don’t want to finger me as the culprit, my foot! You upstart little-”

“His foot! His foot!” Chopper protested.

“What?”

“His foot! That first time the door opened, I heard footsteps leaving! If he was just… snaking his way out, there wouldn’t be footsteps! Plus- plus there was no second time the door opened to let him back in! And- and that first time, that was probably Olivia leaving, because the second time was her coming back inside! And- and the rope, it makes a loud noise, the zipping, when he- when he does that! And I would’ve heard it! It can’t be him!”

“See? See?!” Nawawana said, rewarding Chopper for his acuity by smacking Helmeppo with him a couple more times.

“I- I understand, yes,” Helmeppo said. Chopper was… probably right. There were too many little details that made it unlikely to be Nawawana- to say nothing of motive. 

“Good! Learn you a lesson, punk!” Nawawana said, finally putting Chopper down.

“...Yes. Well. Let’s… search the room for clues, then.”

The sickbay was fairly spartan. Fishbonen had 24 beds laid out in a 6 by 4 grid, only thirteen of which were occupied. The occupied beds each had the marines’ immediate belongings underneath them- a stack of neatly-folded clothes, a short sword, and a flintlock pistol each (among other small objects.) Plenty of deadly weapons, none of which fit the profile of the murder weapon.

...Well, except for one thing. “Nailing” Isuka had some sort of large coiled shell underneath her bed- the scabbard for her weapon.

She herself didn’t have a Devil Fruit power, but her  _ rapier  _ had eaten the Snake Snake Fruit, thanks to the work of Dr. Vegapunk. Her sword- now a sort of boa constrictor monster- had a pointy nose and incredible reach, plus the ability to stab around corners and constrict foes. It’d have been a good candidate for the murder weapon, and it’d throw a lot of suspicion on her- except that she was too injured to move, and… that the sword itself was  _ missing. _

Hypothetically, any of the marines here could’ve done it. They were unconscious, but they could’ve just gone back to sleep after stealing the sword and killing the doctor.

“It couldn’t have been any of the people in the back,” Chopper said. “Only someone right next to the body could’ve done it, if it was a patient.”

“Wait, what?”

Chopper pointed to the IV bags next to each patient. “See those? They deliver a saline- uh… important chemicals to the patients. They’re hooked up with a special needle, into their veins, and…” he pointed at where the IV was attached to one patient. “...that’s really hard to detach and reattach properly, without risking a central line infection. Only Fishbonen could have done it without getting blood everywhere. All these IV drips are still perfect… so it couldn’t have been anyone who couldn’t reach the body.”

Helmeppo took a look at where Fishbonen’s body was lying. It was towards the front of the sickbay, and- judging by the length of the IV drips- only three beds were close enough to reach where he’d fallen.

“That’s… Isuka, Fullbody, and Jango, then. Those are our suspects?”

“Nuh-uh,” a voice whispered.

“W-what was that?!” Chopper said, jumping a little.

Helmeppo turned to the source of the sound. It was the man who’d been pretending to sleep- Ensign Jango. He had a bandage wrapped around the top half of his head, covering his eyes.

“Wasn’t me,” he whispered. “The boss isn’t around, is he? I’ll tell you all about what happened, if he’s not gonna jump down my poor throat.”

Helmeppo nodded. “What happened?” What had Jango seen? Had he seen… anything, with that blindfold of a bandage on his face?

“Seriously. He’s not here, is he? He’ll put me on latrine duty again, if he knows, uh… well, nothing. If you’re here, boss, everything’s… I just woke up, see?”

“He’s not here,” he said, remembering that the nod meant nothing to a man who couldn’t see.

“Right! Well, I’ll tell you what I know, then!”

**FOR THE RECORD: ONE, TWO, JANGO'S TESTIMONY**

“So, I’m a man of real peace and love, y’know? I don’t make waves when waves aren’t called for. I woke up in the middle of the night, can’t say why- always been a light sleeper, y’see, gotta be, in my line of work. Desensitized to the whole business. Woke up like usual, didn’t say anything, just… chilled. Blissed out on the bed. You know how it is.

“Few minutes later, I hear the door open. The one on my left, not my right. Don’t hear any footsteps besides Fishbonen, though. I guess he doesn’t hear the door, though, ‘cause he’s humming to himself, catchy little tune. Hmm, hmm, hm-hm-hm… anyway. He doesn’t hear whoever it is- there’s no footsteps. I hear… a few noises. First I hear a… sort of long soft slidey noise. Couldn’t tell you what it was. Then I hear Fishbonen turn around and stop humming, and he says “Oh, you-” to someone.

“Now don’t judge- I guess I could’ve stepped in. But I’ve got- I’ve got my  _ injuries,  _ and I can’t see, and I still don’t know what’s happening right then. I hear some muffled noise I can’t make out, and then… then I hear Fishbonen choking. And by the time I realize something’s really wrong, he’s already stopped making noise. I hear his body hit the ground, and... 

“Well, like I said, don’t judge. I coulda moved. Coulda ripped off my bandages and gotten a look at what happened, maybe saw who did it. But was I gonna survive if I did that? Very scary situation. And I- you’ll believe me if I say I was going to be a hero right there? Worked up the nerve and everything. I was gonna risk it! Bravery! Duty! Marine stuff! But… by the time I felt ready for it, the door had already clicked closed.

“Still no footsteps. They never made a sound coming in, not even with these creaky floors. Scared me something fierce, even with all that heroism and bravery I had going. So I just… decided it was all a bad dream, and fell back asleep. Understandable, right?”

* * *

“Perfectly understandable,” the giant shadow looming in the doorway said.


	4. let’s start the countdown, or: Snakes Are to Blame

To run or not to run?

This was, frankly, a question that Usopp had never had to consider before, since the answer was invariably a cloud of dust shaped vaguely like him that had already halfway dissipated into formlessness, and him off somewhere in the distance. 

But in this case, accidentally running straight off the ship and into the ocean was more concerning than a giant goddamn snake. Marginally, anyways. So Usopp stood his ground, which was the only part of the ground he was absolutely certain was snake-free, and rifled through the pockets in his bag for a bit before tossing the classic ol’ caltrops around him (would like to see a snake step over  _ that) _ . Or, he thought he did. It turned out what he actually threw were the Boin Archipelago variant of Snapping Dragons, which he found out fairly quickly once the snapping started, right at his feet.

Well, now he was just embarrassing himself -- and that thought ran a constant loop through his head as he yelped (no reason to be quiet at this point) and scrabbled back, covering his ears as an entire fireworks factory went off within the 300 or so square feet space of semi-enclosed bedroom.

When the noise died down, so had the smoke and so Usopp was free to see the giant snake once more. It hadn’t liked the noise either and was curled up tight with its hilt over its head -- uh, hilt?

No, it wasn’t just some weird secret snake trick thing. The tail was definitely a hilt. And now that he looked carefully, the snake looked a bit metal-ish. And it wasn’t moving. 

Was this a devil fruit thing? This seemed like a devil fruit thing. Like how that dog was a gun. (Or the gun was a dog, or...whatever.) While the snake/sword was frozen (in fright? Shock?) Usopp edged towards the cot, fumbled for the intact blanket, and threw it over the sword/snake. There. That was, probably good enough.

Now. Where was he?

“Don’t move!”

Oh that’s right. Being a sneaky failure.

The civilian in Usopp automatically put his hands up, which was technically going against the marine’s command, but it was the typical thing to do in this situation. Then the civilian in Usopp remembered, uh, he’s a pirate? And kicked one of the Snapping Dragons at the marine with startling accuracy. It smacked and snapped right in the marine’s face and he gave a clipped scream and stumbled back. Before he could do anything like call for help, Usopp shot a pellet of sleeping gas towards the door and covered his mouth with the crook of his arm.

“Alright,” Usopp said to absolutely nobody once the gas cleared, and then tried to figure out if it would be weirder to keep talking or just suddenly stop. In the end he decided that, actually, it was time for him to get a marine disguise now, and oh look, here’s a convenient marine, let’s go ahead and strip a grown man in complete silence now, that sounds like a solid plan.

Once Usopp smoothed over his collar and checked that the uniform was all in order, he took one step out the door, paused, and looked back at the white sheet currently covering the snake-sword. Because, now that he wasn’t panicking about death by snake-sword, he actually sort of maybe remembered possibly being threatened with death by snake-sword, like...fairly recently? Like, immediately-before-setting-sail-to-get-Chopper-back recently? As in, that was definitely one of the weapons of the marines they just fought, and here it was with no marine in sight, and it was pretty immobile, and he did need an excuse to be moving around in case a marine decided to stop and question him...

Usopp cradled the snake-sword in his arms, still wrapped up, and strode out the room with a walk that looked like it knew where the hell it was walking to.

* * *

Since ‘something weird coming out of a hole in the ship’ wasn’t at all the same as ‘something weird get fired into the air,’ Jinbei decided to give the benefit of the doubt and hung back until the noise died down. It was barely into the hour anyways, how much trouble could Usopp be in?

He decided not to consider the answer in any detail.

The ship was fairly quiet again. Which meant Usopp was probably fine, after all if he was caught then there would definitely be more of a commotion. It would be really nice if he could call and ask, but they only really had one baby den den mushi and he needed it to call the rest of the crew over when it was time.

Jinbei let the waves push him back and forth.

You know, they didn’t actually give a name to this operation. What a lack of attention to detail. Maybe something like ‘Operation: Racoon Retrieval?’ Or were acronyms the norm nowadays? Would it be tacky to have the name be ‘Operation: C.H.O.P.P.E.R.?’

“Huh? Did something happen?”

“What do you  _ mean, _ ‘did something happen?’ How did you not hear about it?!”

Jinbei sunk into the water a little, but the conversation was happening far overhead. There was a sense of urgency in one of the voices that put him on guard.

“I’ve been here the whole time. I’ve basically been  _ sleeping _ here, fixing this ship. Not everybody gets assigned to do nothing.”

“Someone was  _ murdered!” _

“What?!” Jinbei shouted at the same time as the now-informed marine, and then quickly ducked underwater before anybody decided to check out the weird echo. Alright. A line had been crossed, whatever line that was. Jinbei dug out the tiny den den mushi from his sleeve and woke it up. 

“Is Chopper okay?” was the first thing Nami said.

“Start sailing over here as fast as you can without drawing attention, get ready to provide covering fire,” Jinbei replied in his best authoritative, not panicky voice. 

Despite that, he could tell Nami was immediately on edge. “What? What’s happened?”

“I’ll update you later, right now I must go. Excuse me,” he added before hanging up.

He had no clue what was going on,  but with the word ‘murder’ involved, it felt like time was of the essence. With the den den mushi back in his sleeve, Jinbei leapt out of the water and landed around the area where he heard the voices. Serendipitously, both marines were there and only one of them was armed (unless a normal hammer counted as armed). Taking advantage of their frozen surprise, Jinbei simply reached down and hoisted the two of them up by their collars. 

“If it’s not too much trouble,” he started, “would either of you mind filling me in?”

* * *

Jango made a very quiet ‘ack’ sound and then lay very still.

After a moment, Helmeppo said, in a tone that was a mix between deadpan and disbelief, “He already saw you.”

Jango remained unmoving.

“I did, in fact, see you,” the large masked man confirmed. Only then did Jango sigh and sit up (or rather, slump up).

“Okay, lay it on me. Can’t say I got no dignity, man.”

Chopper didn’t point out that, just a few seconds ago, he had just tried to fake sleep his way out of confronting a superior. To be honest, he was a bit distracted because the man who had just joined them, all big and terrifying and cloaked, smelled a lot like someone he knew. Not someone he knew well enough to recognize immediately, but enough that his hair instinctively stood on end, and before he knew it, he was pointing straight at the man and then, “He did it.”

Most of the people in the room had their eyes obscured in some ridiculous way or another, but Chopper could feel all of them blink dumbly at him for a second. Helmeppo glanced between the two of them a few times. 

“Y-yeah! Y’know what? It’s him!” Nawawana bellowed, pointing as well. Chopper winced at his endorsement.

“Uh,” said Helmeppo. “W...hy?”

And that was the problem, wasn’t it, because everything inside him was screaming that it was  _ this _ man, because this man did bad things, was used to doing bad things, but dammit, he just couldn’t remember who this guy  _ was. _

At Helmeppo’s raised eyebrow, Chopper mumbled, “Just, gimme a sec...”

But it was clear nobody really had the patience to wait. Helmeppo looked back to the man. “Well actually, if you don’t mind -- “

“One side, make way, coming through!” an increasingly louder voice called from outside the door. “‘Scuse me, important business here -- Chopper!” a marine exclaimed, halfway squeezing by the masked man. Rather, it was someone in a marine uniform, because there was absolutely no way any sort of disguise could disguise Usopp.

In a second, Usopp dropped the thing he was holding with a noisy clatter and threw down a smoke bomb that filled the room and Chopper said, “Wait, not in the infirmary -- “ but it was slightly too late for that and Chopper felt someone run straight into Nawawana, yank him right out of the ropes, and expertly run right out the room, because what was Usopp an expert in if not running away?

“Oh god, oh crap, oh man,” Usopp was saying like a particularly discouraging mantra as all around them, actual marines were catching on that, hey, this looked suspicious. One of them stood in the middle of the hallway in front of them, arms spread wide like she was about to give them a hug, and Usopp made an impressive leap that turned into a kick except not exactly, more like a step, as in, he used the marine as a stepping stone to make it over her head and then continued on with barely any speed lost. 

Someone behind them was a little trigger happy and a bullet splintered the wall beside them. 

“Wait,” Chopper shouted, though he wasn’t exactly sure if he intended to follow that up with ‘stop shooting’ or ‘stop running,’ and ended up waffling between the two in quiet indecision as chaos continued.


	5. crap okay you messed up his investigation. um. who else can investigate?

“F-filling you in?” one of the marines asked. “Um…”

This was a gamble. The average Marine seaman didn’t keep up with the politics and power games in the upper ranks, but it wouldn’t be too surprising if they saw right through his ruse. After all, he’d fought on Long Tooth Island. No one who’d seen him had remained conscious for more than a few seconds, but they could still easily figure out that he wasn’t...

“Yes, sir! Um- you’re here on behalf of…?”

He sighed. “The Royal Shichibukai, yes. I’m… here to conduct an internal investigation. I’ve been informed that the crew of this ship recently had an encounter with the Straw Hat pirates?”

“Y-you’re not-” one of the marines said- and then, thinking better of it, “...you’ve been reinstated, sir?”

“Indeed,” he said. He’d considered acting offended that the question had been asked, but that would’ve probably been more suspicious. Intimidation was only part of the equation. “Will you cooperate with the investigation, or do you feel like being court-martialed?”

Their “yes, sir!”s didn’t sound entirely convinced, but Jinbe put them down. If they tried to bolt for it, well… he was standing between them and the gangplank to the other ship. 

“I overheard something about a murder?” he asked. “Were there casualties in the fight with the Strawhats?”

One gave a salute. “No, sir! Not-”

The other one interrupted. “Technically, sir! Several crew members were left behind on Long Tooth Island during our hasty retreat! And our ship’s doctor was killed in the fight with Pirate Hunter Roro-”

The other one’s eyes bulged. “D-don’t  _ tell  _ him that, idiot!”

Jinbe did his best to  _ loom.  _ “No. Telling me  _ everything  _ is absolutely the correct decision. The murder. Explain.”

“Y-yes, sir!” the marines stammered in unison.

**FOR THE RECORD: RANDOM MARINES’ TESTIMONY**

“We boarded the WMS Ten Thousand Stars at 7:05pm last night, sir! We delivered our wounded to their doctor, Emilio Fishbonen! He began treating their wounds immediately after a late dinner, at 9:20pm, sir! All crew were present and accounted for at the dinner, sir!”

“Dude, how do you know exactly what time that happened?”

“...I carry a watch?”

“No, I mean- normal people don’t pay attention to the precise-”

“I have a good memory!”

“Oh, sure, and when you forgot your last latrine shift-”

_ “Obviously  _ I was making that up so I wouldn’t have to… um. Never mind! Sir! The last confirmed sighting of the victim was at 12:20pm, when we escorted our Lieutenant Nawawana to the infirmary! Because he was injured! Sir!”

“Of their ship. Not this one. Our infirmary’s all blasted apart.”

“Right! And, at 4:05am, the victim, Dr. Fishbonen, was found dead in the infirmary by a pair of patients he’d treated earlier in the night, who’d gone back to ask about the medication he’d given them. The time of death was sometime after 2:40am.”

“Wait- how do you know that?”

“The patient release forms, duh.”

“What do you mean, the patient release forms?”

“Dr. Fishbonen needs to sign papers saying that a patient is fit to go back to work. He signs his name and writes the time and date at the bottom of the page. Of the release forms found at the crime scene, the latest time written was 2:40am- so it would’ve been impossible for someone to kill him before he could sign that release form.”

“Man, what’s with you and times? Why the hell did you think to check that?”

“Because I wanted to know? And there were times written down right there? It was… pretty obvious. I’m sure everyone else at the crime scene checked that, too.”

“Not everyone’s as obsessed with timekeeping as you, dude. At least tell me you told someone else! That could be important!”

“Of course I did! I informed Captain Very Good immediately- and now I’m informing, um…

* * *

“Jinbe,” he said. 

“R-right,” the one with the watch said.

The important thing was that the murder victim hadn’t been either Chopper or Usopp. Whether they were  _ safe  _ was one thing, but at the very least, they weren’t  _ known  _ to be dead. With that worry put to rest, he could take his time.

He couldn’t keep up the charade in front of the actual  _ command  _ here. Even these low-ranking sailors weren’t entirely convinced. Strolling right in and using his nonexistent authority as an ex-Shichibukai to claim Chopper wouldn’t go well. Usopp was in there, somewhere, and he’d have to leave the sneaking around to him.

In the meantime… he had to shake these marines somehow, in a way that’d keep them from going and letting the rest of the crew know who they’d encountered. He  _ could  _ just knock them out…

Well, first things first. “In your altercation with the Strawhats, were you able to take in any of their number? Or was it a complete rout?”

Watch-guy beamed. “Yes, sir! We captured one of the Strawhats, sir! We have it in our custody!”

Other-guy grimaced. “Well, technically. We got their pet- the one with the hundred-Beri bounty. Not exactly a huge catch.”

“I see,” Jinbe said, feigning disinterest. “I take it you’ve secured the prisoner appropriately?”

“Yeah,” Other-guy said. “Lieutenant Nawawana’s got him with his rope power thing. We’re keeping a close watch on that tanuki whatever-it-is.”

Jinbe frowned. “And Nawawana is…?”

“A… lieutenant?” Other-guy said, confused.

“Alive, sir!” Watch-guy said. “He was found asleep in his bunk at 4:08am, after the body was discovered!”

Neither of those facts was really a  _ location  _ he could use. The bunk, kind of. A few more leading questions…

Some people, when something comes bursting through a wall and flies directly at them, have to take a moment to react. There are all kinds of  _ questions  _ that leap to mind, when something like that happens. What is it that’s rushing towards me? Can I move out of the way? Why is it moving so quickly? Why didn’t that wall do its one job and stay intact? Am I going to be okay? How much is it going to hurt when it slams into my face?

Other people survive in the New World.

Jinbe moved- not exactly without thinking. His body did the thinking for him, a brilliant thing made cunning by years of being tested. He sensed the disturbance in the air through the faint suspended moisture, and reacted instantly. One hand was in the air, moving with exactly the necessary force to intercept the projectile. His center was already halfway into the rotation needed to swing the object around him, hurling it back the way it came. 

It was somewhere towards the end of this process that his conscious mind finished processing the sound that’d accompanied the object- the yelling. The yelling coming from the object- the person- who’d crashed through the wall. Said yelling continued as a stocky woman in Marine uniform with a beehive of purple hair careened back through the hole she’d made in the wall.

The two marines, whose reaction times weren’t nearly so good, finally finished noticing what had just happened.

“What just happened?!” one said, proving that noticing is not the same thing as understanding.

“Huh?!” the other followed up, helpfully.

Jinbe ignored them, and stepped through the new hole in the wall to see what’d happened to the human projectile he’d deflected.

On the other side of the wall was a large room- what used to be their ship’s mess hall, he surmised. He recognized the cannonball holes in the far wall- a Ɑ l l, recognizable as the upper halves of the UP in Franky’s particular brand of John Hancock.

The room was a mess, for more reasons than just the cannonballs everywhere. (And… for more reasons than the fact that it was literally called a mess hall.) Huge blobs of purple foam dotted the place, and the marine woman he’d thrown was already back on her feet, charging another woman in a similar uniform.

“Eat THIS, you stuck-up-” she said, attempting to throw a punch.

Her punch was intercepted by a giant hand, jet-black and skeletal. The disembodied black hand mimicked the other woman’s movements, grabbing the aggressor bodily and winding up for a throw.  _ Another  _ throw, if he was reading the situation right.

“Excuse me!” he called, from the hole in the wall. “Am I interrupting something?”

Both women turned their heads and stared at Jinbe. The woman with the disembodied hand- who looked sort of like a secretary- went white as a sheet, and her hand… fell to the ground with a  _ splat,  _ becoming nothing more than a hand-shaped ink mark on the floor- and on the other woman’s uniform.

“You ARE interrupting somethin’, actually!” the purple-hair one said.

The other one pointed at him, looking like she’d seen a ghost. “Th-that’s…!”

Damnation. These two looked like they were higher-ranking- they’d know of his escape from Impel Down, and wouldn’t be fooled by bluster.

“What’s going on, sir?” Watch-guy said, peeking through the hole where it wasn’t blocked by Jinbe’s girth. Other-guy looked over Watch-guy’s shoulder.

Four marines- one, possibly two, with Devil Fruit powers. Something he could handle, probably, but he didn’t want to set off any alarms by starting a fight. If any of them ran for it and alerted the marines on the other ship, it could jeopardize Usopp’s stealth mission.

The purple hair one finally got a look at him. “Whoa! That’s… whoa, there! Is that the Shichibukai fishman?”

_ “Ex- _ Shichibukai,” the other one corrected. “Mineda- don’t make any sudden moves. This one has the power to kill us all.”

Mineda turned on the other woman. “Oh, what? Is  _ this  _ part of your plan, too? Not enough that you killed Fishbonen- you want to get the  _ rest  _ of us killed, too? Shoulda known.”

“Her plan?” Jinbe asked.

Mineda pointed an accusing finger at the other woman. “Yeah! Lieutenant Quill here has some complicated-ass scheme goin’ on- she offed our ship’s doctor, and she’s tryin’ to pin the blame on ME!”

“Shameless. You’re shameless. You’re trying to frame  _ me  _ for your own misdeeds? I knew you were scum, but  _ this-” _

Jinbe raised a hand to quiet them, which seemed to work. At the very least, he still had intimidation working for him. The two men he’d interrogated didn’t seem too shocked by Quill pointing out that he was no longer employed by the World Government- they’d assumed he’d been reinstated, and  _ now  _ they were probably assuming that these two just hadn’t gotten the memo. Assuming that everything was fine meant that they didn’t have to make decisions or do anything without being ordered- which he’d observed was a common behavior pattern amongst marines.

There was no way he could keep up this momentum and avoid detection entirely, but for now, he could play for time by taking advantage of the dispute he’d stepped into. Mediate, keep them talking, distract them with this murder drama and prevent them from raising the alarm. If he stalled long enough, he could buy Usopp time to locate and rescue Chopper- which was hopefully going well.

* * *

“Looks like I missed,” the masked man said, holstering his pistol.

Helmeppo coughed furiously, trying to wave away the smoke. “Wh-  _ after them!”  _ he shouted, to a room whose occupants included several unconscious patients, a blindfolded hypnotist, and a spooky masked hulk over whom he had no authority. Where was Nawawana? He’d been right there- had he already run after Usopp?

“Naturally,” the spooky masked hulk said, and  _ pushed his way through thin air and disappeared.  _

Jango let out an exaggerated snore.

“Nnnnngah” was the sound that approximated Helmeppo’s feelings on the matter, and he dashed out of the smoke-filled room towards Usopp. That idiot was going to get himself  _ killed! _

* * *

“I’ve only just arrived,” Jinbe said, “so I’m not entirely caught up on events. Lieutenant… Mineda, is it? If I’m going to… solve… this… murder case?” Sure. That’s what he was doing, apparently. “...I’m going to need you to explain to me why you suspect Lieutenant Quill.”

“Suspect? That’s not a strong enough word- I  _ know  _ it was her!”

Quill glared at Mineda. “Don’t! Tell him! Anything!” she hissed. “Not one word! He’s-”

“Shut the hell up, Quill! I’ll say what I want, to  _ who  _ I want!  _ Especially,”  _ Mineda said, and then trailed off, whispering something to Quill with a smirk.

Quill scowled at Mineda, her face turning red. “You’re disgusting.”

Mineda cackled. “Listen up, sexy fishman! Olivia Quill’s a murderer- and here’s how she did it!”

**FOR THE RECORD: “JELLY” MINEDA’S TESTIMONY**

“I don’t know why she did it- besides because she thinks she’s better than everyone and constantly fantasizes about how to kill people- but it had to be her! She was the only one who could’ve done it!

“Here’s why: nobody could get away with a murder on this ship, unless Captain Coby was taken out of commission first. He’s got that Observation Haki, which means he can see through walls! He says it just lets him see glowy auras- but of course he’d say that! He just doesn’t want to admit that he uses it to watch me in my private moments! Who could resist? That’s why it makes us even when I- I mean, if I were to watch  _ him!  _ That’s just equivalent exchange!

“But anyway, the murderer had to know that Coby would notice anything amiss. That’s why, before she killed Fishbonen, she had to make sure Coby couldn’t stop her. But she couldn’t just kill him- he’d see an attack like that coming. That’s why she had to set a trap!

“You know  _ my  _ powers, right? I ate the Grape Grape Fruit, but it doesn’t do what it sounds like. It means that my hair is made of a sweet-smelling sticky substance, and if you tear some off, you can squeeze it to set off a chemical reaction! The sticky ball expands into a foam that completely envelops whatever you throw it at! There’s no moving, no hearing, no seeing, when you’re trapped by one of my Grape Bombs! And that includes using Observation Haki, too! And, of course- since I’m sure you’re wondering, big guy, the carpet  _ does  _ match the drapes, heh heh.

“Anyway, Quill stole some of my hair while I was sleeping! She grabbed a chunk of it, ripped it out of my head, and took it to the captain’s study! That was when she must’ve squeezed it to set it off, and trapped the captain in my foam! From there, she could sneak around the ship without being noticed. All she had to do from there was strangle Fishbonen to death with her crazy ink powers!

“And to top it all off, she’s blaming  _ me  _ for it! Pointing at the use of my power to make people think I was the one who trapped the captain, as if  _ she  _ hadn’t been the one to steal my hair! You can’t seriously fall for this washboard’s crazy murder scheme!”

* * *

Jinbe did his best to ignore Mineda’s suggestive comments. The less he engaged with that sort of thing, the better.

“I see,” he said, pretending to think it over carefully. Solving the case wasn’t the priority- the priority was to keep them talking, until Usopp could finish retrieving Chopper. Still, he was starting to get a picture of what had taken place- and things indeed didn’t look good for this Lieutenant Quill.

“Beyond idiotic,” Quill said, pushing her glasses up. “She’s desperate. Grasping at straws to try to hide her obvious guilt.”

“Is that so?” Jinbe asked. “Maybe you can explain to me exactly what’s wrong with her account of the incident.”

**FOR THE RECORD: OLIVIA QUILL’S TESTIMONY**

“In case you were unaware, I’m responsible for managing the official records on this ship. My power, granted by the Ink Ink Fruit, allows me to bend ink to my will directly. I can write and keep records more efficiently than an entire team of ordinary scribes, which makes me perfectly suited to such administrative work.

“That’s why I decided to check in on the captain last night. Coby was expelled from his normal bunk by Very Good, the captain of the ship that we’re currently… playing host to. This ship, here. The WMS Sublimity. Coby had retreated to his study- his habit in times of stress is to double down on work, writing in his captain’s log or helping the crew with menial labor to take his mind off things. He has a habit of staying up late doing such things, and I planned to offer to handle whatever paperwork he was doing so that he could get some rest.

“What I found, however, at 2am, was the captain  _ trapped  _ in one of Mineda’s foam bombs. I don’t know why she’d have done something like that, but at the time I could only surmise it was some sort of perverse sexual escapade. Her unbecoming behavior is well-documented, and I’ve been keeping a log of her transgressions to bring up when we report to Garp for our regular disciplinary review.

“At the time, however, I had no idea what else she’d done. She’d immobilized the captain during what was and is a crisis scenario, and this was sufficient to prompt me to return immediately to the officers’ quarters and accost her. We took the discussion to the top deck, where she offered feeble argument after feeble argument protesting her innocence, and attempted to turn things around on me. Hours later, though, I received word from the crew that Dr. Fishbonen had been murdered- and the dots connected themselves.”

“She would like you to believe that I was responsible- but quite besides my lack of motive, there were two others who could’ve easily committed the crime. Very Good and his lieutenant, Nawawana, also had access to the officers’ quarters, and could have stolen the hair used to trap the captain. Not that the simplest explanation isn’t to simply assume that the one with the power is the one who  _ used  _ the power- Mineda herself. She considered Dr. Fishbonen an “eyesore”, and has repeatedly wished that we could replace him with a younger, more attractive doctor. An obvious motive. I, personally, harbor no such perverse feelings towards men.

“I wish I could say I’m surprised by her revolting and mutinous behavior, but sadly, this sort of reprobate degeneracy is entirely in line with her typical modus operandi.”

* * *

Nawawana- that was important. These two, Very Good, and Nawawana were the primary suspects, as this whole grape bomb plan could only have been carried out by someone who could get to Mineda in her sleep. And since Nawawana was involved, that meant one of the suspects in this case was a potential lead on Chopper’s location! That could be useful- turning the conversation towards suspecting Nawawana, figuring out what he’d done with Chopper, without making it too obvious he was with the Straw Hat Pirates.

Yes. Figuring out the location of Nawawana, and thereby the location of Chopper, was the best way to help Usopp right now. With that information, he’d have a much easier time of it.

* * *

Usopp became vaguely aware of a problem, once he reached a straight hallway mostly free of marines. (The ones without guns didn’t count- they were as good as speed bumps, in the face of his unparalleled running-away skills.) 

The problem was that he was being slowed down, somehow- how?

Oh. He’d accidentally started dragging something behind him, and only now- with the initial burst of adrenaline wearing off- was he noticing the rope tied around his leg, which had presumably gotten caught when he grabbed for Chopper. And the hand attached to that rope. And the mess of disjointed body parts being dragged on the floor attached to that rope, yelling “Come back here, you- oof! Whippersnapper- agh!”

Usopp became  _ less  _ vaguely- more  _ acutely- _ aware of a  _ different  _ problem, when the giant he’d left in the dust suddenly stepped out of a hole in thin air and blocked his path.

There was a way out of this situation, right? There had to be a way out of this. He would really, really love it if there was a way out of this.


	6. but if i’m investigating and you’re investigating, WHO’S DRIVING THE BOAT

Usopp definitely had a plan, one that involved fire and gasoline and a lot of bluffing (as per usual), but all of that flew right out the window (or should he say door?) when he saw the man in front of him. And the way he entered the scene.

“Door guy! Shoot, CP9 is here?!”

“‘Door guy?’” Chopper echoed, frowning.

“Oh, yeah, I dunno if you ever saw him, he can make doors -- “

“No, I remember him, but Usopp...how come  _ you _ know?”

“Eh? Because I also...” Oh, wait. Sogeking. Right. “I mean...y’know...”

It was during his fluster that Nawawana pulled himself together and then pulled Usopp’s leg so that he slipped and fell on his face. And in short work, no doubt due to plenty of practice, Usopp was tied up with Chopper snug next to him.

“Oh,” said Usopp, slightly nasally, due to his nose being pushed upward  by the floor.

“Got ‘im, sir!” Nawawana said to the man he had recently accused of murder. The door man walked over and leveled a gun at Usopp’s head. Under the attention of a pistol, Usopp and  Chopper went still.

“Where is the rest of your crew? Do they know you’re here?” he demanded, a hint of urgency escaping his mask. Usopp’s eyes flitted around, as if searching for the most beneficial answer. “No lying,” said the door man, and the gun made a very unneeded cocking sound.

“Yeah, yeah, they do,” Usopp warbled.

The door man straightened up sharply. “Release them.”

Nawawana nodded and then a few seconds later, realized what the order was. “Uh, what?”

“Let them go,” door man stressed back.

“I know what ya meant! But, we’re marines?! We ain’t in the job to  _ release _ criminals! Unless they’ve done jail time or they’re pardoned, I guess...” Nawawana trailed off, thinking.

“If you don’t want to lose  _ two _ ships, then you will do well to -- “

“Now jus’ wait right there!” Usopp could feel someone else was joining them from the vibrations of the floor. Nawawana stood at attention, which for some reason, caused him to squeeze his prisoners a bit tighter. Not super tight, but...uncomfortable.

“Ah, very good,” said the door man (or did he say ‘Very Good?’) “We’re releasing the prisoners. Now.”

“Please,” Usopp added.

“But,” Chopper protested, which was kinda weird.

“I won’t allow it!” Very Good stomped. More vibrations against Usopp’s cheek, and Helmeppo joined the group as well. “Not when one of them’s the murderer!”

“‘ _ Murderer?!’” _ Usopp squawked, turning towards Chopper.

“‘ _ Murderer?!’” _ Chopper squawked, turning towards Usopp.

“‘ _ Murderer?!’” _ Helmeppo squawked, looking at both pirates.

“...Oh! And technically for executions!” Nawawana continued.

“‘God Usopp, you are under arrest for the murder of -- “

“Now hold on, “Captain!”” Helmeppo moved into position in front of the still-prone pirates. “What’s your proof?”

Very Good gave a grin that just about split his face in half and took out the thing Usopp had been carrying around as his cover. Seeing the familiar sheet, Usopp sighed. “Oh, don’t tell me...”

With a flourish, Very Good flung the sheet away to reveal the snake-sword. Which, probably was the murder weapon.

“He was carrying the murder weapon!”

Of course.

Helmeppo looked at Usopp again, though who knew what sort of look he was giving. “Where’d you find that?”

“In its sheath in the infirmary, no doubt!”

“Other ship,” Usopp said.

“A terrible excuse for a lie -- what would it be doing all the way over there?!”

“Listen, I dunno, I just -- “

“ -- ‘happened to stumble on it,’ I suppose? Ha!”

Helmeppo pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed out of it, a gesture that Usopp would have liked to mimic. “Very Good, can you quiet down and let him say his piece?”

Surprisingly, Very Good seemed to think this over. And then, nodded and stepped back?

If Helmeppo was surprised, he was good at not showing it and simply gestured to Usopp.

“Yeah. Okay. Can I stand up for this? My nose hurts.”

Nawawana thankfully obliged and simply pulled the rope up and set Usopp on his feet.

“Right. Okay. So.”

**FOR THE RECORD: USOPP’S TESTIMONY**

“I literally.  _ Just. _ Got here.”

* * *

The marines (and Chopper) waited a few seconds for him to add anything else. Usopp just stood and stared blankly at the wall. He wasn’t too surprised when Very Good spoke up to shout, “Hardly an alibi!”

“Okay, look, you  _ can’t _ just say ‘no, wrong,’ and not actually say  _ why, _ that doesn’t at  _ all _ help figure out what happened!”

“Yeah? You believe the word of a  _ pirate? _ Sounds like treason to me!”

“That’s not even anywhere near the definition of treason, you absolute moron.”

“What was that?!”

“I said ‘captain.’”

Usopp surreptitiously leaned his head closer to Chopper’s as the marines started squabbling around them. “Hey. What’s going on here? Someone’s dead?”

“Uh, well,” Chopper started, which indicated a long story. But considering nobody had turned to ask him more questions, he figured they had time.

* * *

“‘Sail as fast as you can without drawing attention,’ he says...” Nami hung up the receiver before she could smash it in her grip, then started to pace just so that she wouldn’t punch the innocent snail anyways.

“So we’re going?” Luffy said, perking up from his fierce struggle with the time-out finger traps. 

Nami almost punched Luffy, but he was also an innocent, and so she granted mercy and continued to fume. “It’s not exactly the biggest ship in the world, but it’s not small either, and exactly  _ how _ fast are we supposed to go without the freaking  _ helmsman? _ ”

“Oh, so we just need to go fast, huh?”

When Nami continued to mutter darkly under her breath, Luffy shrugged, stood up, and started going below deck. If Nami had looked up, she could have noticed him, but instead, Luffy went his way unimpeded.

“Hey, Zoro! Help me out with something!”

* * *

“So you do admit that Nanawana is a potential suspect?”

“Nawawana,” all the marines chimed in at once. 

Jinbe startled and looked around. “Eh?”

“Nawawana,” Olivia repeated wearily. “His name is Nawawana. Not Nanawana.”

“Ah. Right. But Nawanawa is -- “

“ _ Nawawana.” _

Jinbe threw his hands up even before the chorus finished. “You know who I mean!”

“Yes, but it’s only polite,” Olivia hissed in a very pointed way. “You could at least get the name of the person you’re suspecting right!”

“Yes, alright, I understand your point. If you could tell me where Nawanana -- “

“Na. Wa. Wa. Na,” one of the nameless marines enunciated patiently with, Jinbe couldn’t help but think, a little bit of pity.

“ _ Just tell me where he is!” _

It was then that Jinbe (and, likely, everybody in the vicinity) heard the sound barrier break. There were very few things that he knew made that sound, and he really hoped it wasn’t what he thought it was because this was the opposite of not attracting attention.

* * *

So, the Sunny was zooming straight at the marine ships all of a sudden. There wasn’t even really time to scream or blame Luffy or anything because it only took a few seconds for Coup de Burst to basically reach the marine ship, and then Sunny released a Gaon Cannon and came to a complete stop. It also meant it was firing a beam through two marine ships where three of their crewmembers could have been potentially standing, but this was something Nami was only  _ slightly _ aware of, as she was too busy trying to get over almost being smeared on the side of a warship.

Luffy ran out from under the deck, fingers noticeably free, and he pumped his fists in the air. “Alright! Finally! Time to beat them up!” Zoro followed him up from behind and Franky ascended from the prow, and of course, of course it was them, they were probably the only two people on the ship who would even  _ consider _ this wreck of an idea.

Surprisingly, it was Brook who went off on them first, being the first one to collect himself enough to actually stand. “You could have hit Chopper-san! You could have sunk their ships!!  _ You could have killed all of us!!!” _

“Except you, right?” Franky’s laugh drifted off awkwardly as Brook didn’t even rise to the obvious bait, merely loomed. Zoro looked vaguely disconcerted and started to edge away from Luffy and Franky.

“I only got rid of the finger traps,” he announced. “I didn’t touch anything else.”

Nami was starting to feel like she was getting enough breath to join Brook, but Robin descended from the crow’s nest and said, “I believe we have been noticed.”

“It’s the Strawhats!” someone shouted from the other ships. And it figures that the marines would catch their breath at the same time. Nami held her face in her hands for a few seconds.

Oh well. “Alright Luffy, fine. Just. Go wild.”

He really didn’t need any permission, but he smiled and blurted out a quick “Thanks!” before going off to ruin everybody’s day.


	7. gotta pull together loose ends while luffy does his best to make more

He didn’t really have time to think about the giant laser that smashed through the ship and nearly blew away one of the marines. As much as it distracted the four marines, the followup attack was a more pressing issue.

Today, it seemed, was the day for human projectiles. The thing that flew in Jinbe’s direction, screaming, was no more succesful than the previous flying person in catching him off-guard. He stuck out an arm and clotheslined the shot, which bent in the middle and kept going for a few meters before snapping back into place.

“Captain,” he whispered.

“Jinbe!” the projectile said, brightly. “Did you find Chopper?!”

“Not yet, no. I was in the process of-”

“Okay, I’ll handle it!” Luffy said, and in the blink of an eye launched himself out through the laser blast’s exit wound and towards the other ship.

Jinbe sighed. Stealth, it seemed, was over and done with. Through the exit wound, he could see the other Marine ship, which likewise had a big hole through it. That had to have been the Gaon Cannon, the weapon the Strawhats had used back home at Gyoncorde Plaza. He’d forgotten about it, honestly. If he was going to be steering that ship, he’d need to have a long talk with Franky about its capabilities.

Right now, though, the issue was that watch-guy was staring at him in shock.

“Th-that…! Was that Strawhat Luffy?”

Were they all sufficiently distracted by the laser to not have noticed? He’d let Luffy go, after exchanging words, and that should’ve been the nail in the coffin of that cover. Best not to stick around much longer.

“It certainly was,” Jinbe said. “He managed to slip my hold. You all… don’t let this ship sink. I’ll pursue.”

None of them looked  _ entirely  _ convinced, but they also didn’t look like they were ready to pick a fight with someone six times their size. He took that as his cue to leave, hopping out through the recently-installed exit and riding a pillar of water up to the deck of the other ship.

* * *

The thing about floors is that, generally, you expect them to keep being there. When you’re standing on a floor, you naturally assume that this is going to keep happening, unless you jump into the air or start climbing a ladder or somesuch. Maybe you start walking down a flight of stairs, or someone lifts you into their air, even. The common element in all these scenarios is that it involves  _ you  _ moving, and not the floor. 

Helmeppo, consequently, was very surprised when the floor  _ stopped  _ being there. He assumed that continuing to be under his feet was the easiest job in the world, for a floor. All it had to do was lie there and not move. He didn’t have any  _ reason  _ to expect it to fail.

Nonetheless, the floor was no longer there, and instead there was a very bright laser beam where the floor used to be. He took a fraction of a second to process the  _ insult  _ of the phenomenon- as if it weren’t bad enough that the floor had found a way to slack off on the job, it’d been replaced with a  _ deadly laser,  _ of all things. Inexcusable, he thought, as he reflexively twisted in midair to delay the moment of his contact with the beam.

The beam, mercifully, dissipated before such time as he fell into its path, and instead all he had to deal with was the floor’s criminal negligence in upholding its duties.

The floor’s duties collectively tumbled down a floor, landing amidst scorched timbers and associated burning rubble. Most of them were screaming, particularly Lieutenant Nawawana and his occupants.

“I’M GONNA DIE, I’M NOT MEANT TO BE ON EXPLODING BOATS,” Usopp said.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaa!” Tony Tony Chopper commented.

The masked man- “door guy”? CP9?- landed gracefully, seemingly unsurprised by the general carnage that had exploded around him. “This is why I said to release them,” he said to the cloud of orbs lowering to the ground.

Very Good had used his Berry Berry Fruit power, which apparently let him ignore gravity while his body was in pieces. The look on his face- it was hard to tell if he was being smug while pretending to panic, or panicking while pretending to be smug. He certainly wasn’t happy with what was happening, but hey- it wasn’t  _ his  _ ship.

And then he turned his head to the left, seeing the neat cylinder that’d been punched through the Ten Thousand Stars. His gaze tracked it backwards from the exit hole to the entrance hole, and then further back to the similar hole that’d been punched through the Sublimity. The smug expression… didn’t immediately disappear. He almost looked  _ triumphant. _

“Anyone care to explain what just happened?” Very Good said.

“The Strawhats are ruthlessly protective of their crew,” Door Guy said. “If our escape wasn’t as clean as you promised it was, they’d inevitably show up to reclaim any captives we took. And, as it would seem...”

“Pfah,” Very Good said. “Let ‘em come. They want to waltz into the middle of two ships’ worth of trained soldiers? Their funeral!”

“Aye!” Nawawana agreed, tightening his grip on Chopper and Usopp.

“Um,” Usopp started, after confirming that the boat wasn’t exploding any more than it’d already exploded.

“I don’t think you understand,” Door Guy said. “The Strawhats are recognized as the most destabil-”

The ruined hallway they’d fallen into quickly became the site of what appeared to be the beginning of a game of billiards, as with a CRACK a bunch of hard orbs began ricocheting off the walls, pelting everyone around them. The origin of the explosion appeared to be where Very Good was standing, and where Strawhat Luffy was now standing, one fist extended and smoking.

“Case in point,” Door Guy pointed out. Helmeppo began backing away slowly.

“Case in point  _ this,”  _ Very Good said, reforming on the spot and driving a massive fist into Luffy’s gut.

Luffy looked down at the indentation in his stomach.

“...Is that your attack?” he asked, looking curiously at Very Good.

Very Good roared and swung his other fist, stretching out Luffy’s chest.

Luffy scratched his head. “Did you forget to turn on your Arma-haki thing? Or do you not have that?”

Helmeppo watched as Very Good unleashed blow after blow on Luffy, who stood looking sort of disappointed by the entire thing. Luffy… probably wouldn’t hit him if he knew who he was, but he hadn’t recognized him back in Water 7, and he didn’t want to risk drawing his ire. He kept backing away, towards where Nawawana had the captives.

“Hey,” he whispered. “You really should let them go. If we don’t… I’m going to guess things get worse, and don’t get better.”

Nawawana- at this point an indeterminate mass of ropes with a head and other body parts sticking out haphazardly around his captives- scoffed. 

“No one beats our captain in a fight,” he said.

Helmeppo frowned. “If I recall correctly, didn’t he get defeated on your mission to retrieve Cipher Pol 9?”

Nawawana scowled, which wasn’t really very intimidating when he was just a head. “‘s against the  _ rules  _ to beat our captain in a fight.”

He… couldn’t make heads or tails of Nawawana’s point- nor Nawawana himself, for that matter.

Usopp spoke up. “Yeah, um… that guy in the mask? He’s totally CP9. And  _ he’s  _ saying your guy should back off, because we already beat them, and he knows it.”

“Wait,” Helmeppo interjected, holding up a hand. “That man- you just said, you said before- he’s Cipher Pol 9? How do you know what?”

Usopp looked hesitantly at the masked man, who was standing stock-still off to the side of the stalemate of a fight that was happening between Luffy and Very Good. (Luffy had started punching again, but Very Good was just as immune to Luffy’s punches as Luffy was to his.)

“That’s… I mean, we…” Usopp looked at Chopper nervously. “Um, my  _ friend  _ Sogeking, King of Snipers- he fought that guy with the door powers, back during the incident at Enies Lobby. And told me all about it. He, um… matches Sogeking’s description to a T!”

“It’s true!” Chopper offered. “I saw him, too! That’s- um, what was his name?”

“Bruno, I think?” Usopp guessed.

Helmeppo peered at the masked man, then looked back to Usopp. “Wait- if he’s Cipher Pol 9, why’s he working with Very Good? From what I heard, the mission to retrieve that unit  _ failed.  _ Cipher Pol 9 are fugitives.”

Usopp, unable to shrug, just made a face and that “I dunno” noise. “How should I know what government superspies are up to?”

“You could ask,” the masked man said, suddenly behind them.

Usopp shrieked and jumped a few feet into the air, made all the more impressive by the fact that he was completely tied up. Nawawana growled, muttering something about warnings and respecting your elders.

Helmeppo didn’t jump, at least not noticeably. The giant man appearing out of nowhere had ceased to be more than momentarily startling.

“Would you answer?” Helmeppo said, in response to his suggestion.

“Operational security has been partially compromised,” he said. “I’ve been recognized by the ever-observant Strawhat sniper, here, and it does me no good to have little men running around with incomplete knowledge, looking into my affairs.”

Chopper piped up. “So- does that mean you can tell us everything?”

The masked man laughed, sort of gently. “By no means. I have strict orders regarding what I can divulge- not that, I expect, it’ll matter by the time this catastrophe runs its course.”

“Catastrophe?” Usopp asked.

“The catastrophe where your captain is smashing up our ships,” Helmeppo explained. “From our perspective, him coming to rescue you is a  _ bad  _ thing. In case you hadn’t picked up on that.”

“Which he ain’t gonna do!” Nawawana insisted. “Our captain’s gonna teach him what’s what! And then we’ll have  _ three  _ Strawhats captive!”

His statement was punctuated by one of Very Good’s ball thingies- apparently his torso- whistling through the air and rebounding off the wall behind him, narrowly missing his head.

Usopp gave Nawawana’s head an unimpressed look. “Yeah, no. Luffy’s going to beat everyone up, and then we’re going back to the Sunny. Bruno’s right- none of the secret marine business going on here matters.”

“Blueno,” Blueno corrected.

“No,” Chopper said, sounding incongruously fierce. “We can’t just let it end like that. Dr. Fishbonen is  _ dead!  _ If we leave before we figure out who killed him, he’s- he’s never going to have justice!”

Usopp quirked an eyebrow. “Dr. who?”

Chopper shot him an annoyed look. “Only the foremost expert in treating nerve diseases in the entire  _ world.  _ This isn’t a joke!”

“...Um. Okay. But… if Luffy just beats up everyone here, won’t that mean the killer gets his comeuppance, too?”

“That’s- that’s…!” Chopper said, searching for words.

“The killer ought to face a stiffer penalty than a few bruises,” Blueno said. “With that in mind… I think I should tell you my side of things.” 

**FOR THE RECORD: BLUENO’S TESTIMONY**

“I didn’t take much interest in the goings-on aboard these ships. I am merely a passenger, being escorted by Very Good’s crew on behalf of my superiors. I decline to divulge the specifics of my role, nor where I was being taken nor for what reason- but if you assume that I’m operating in service of the same agenda as always, you won’t be too far off the mark. A high-value target I was instructed to bring in.

“The WMS Sublimity made a stop at Long Tooth Island while I was sleeping belowdecks- and I awoke to an unfortunate encounter with the Strawhat pirates, already in progress. I discreetly retrieved key Marine personnel from the scene, and expedited the process of evacuating the island. I gave instructions to Very Good and his subordinates for how best to shake the Strawhats’ pursuit, and then returned to my cabin.

“The Sublimity intercepted the WMS Ten Thousand Stars, under the command of one Captain Coby, and commandeered its resources for the purposes of expediting our own repairs and resuming my original mission with all haste. Captain Very Good, however, appeared to deliberately obstruct efforts to speed up the process, making an uncharacteristic show of laissez-faire policy and giving much of the crew onboard leave.

“On the night of the murder, I confess I can’t account for my own whereabouts for much of the time. I primarily kept to my own cabin onboard the Sublimity, as it hadn’t suffered damage in the attack. I wouldn’t expect any witnesses to have seen me, nor would such sightings establish my alibi, as my Door Door Fruit ability allows me to move unseen and unobstructed. I can only tell you about what happened sometime past four in the morning, when a crewman woke me in my quarters to inform me of the murder.

“I was escorted directly to the scene of the crime by said crewman, where I encountered Very Good attempting to direct the investigation. From there- Lieutenant Commander Helmeppo, you were there. There isn’t much else to say- except that you should of course consider me a suspect in the foam-bombing of Captain Coby, as I need no key to access the officers’ quarters. I have every confidence that your investigation will reveal the truth.”

* * *

The end of Blueno’s testimony was neatly delimited by the CRACK of Very Good’s head smacking into a nearby wall.

“Want more of that?!” Luffy called, from the section of hole that used to be a kitchen.

Very Good’s head lay on the ground, scowling.

“Nawawana!” he barked. “Forget those two! Strawhat himself’s worth more than them combined!”

“Losing a fight, huh?” Usopp said to the head.

“I’ll  _ take care  _ of  _ these  _ prisoners,” Very Good growled. His orbs drew together menacingly, as Nawawana started disentangling himself from Usopp and Chopper.

“Yessir,” Nawawana said, making a very loud zipping noise as his parts all retracted into place. Helmeppo’s visor saw Usopp and Chopper in red candy cane stripes, from the heat of the rope burn as they were suddenly released.

Usopp reeled, shaking his head. “That’s our cue,” he said, the instant he was free of the ropes. He grabbed Chopper’s hand, and turned to run.

“Wait-” Chopper started.

“Not so fast, punks!”

Helmeppo winced as Usopp was thrown into a wall, both of Very Good’s feet catching him in the midsection. Chopper rolled a few feet away, Usopp’s grip on his hand broken.

Blueno shot Very Good a look, which somehow got across despite the mask in the way.

“Didn’t know CP0 were such  _ babies, _ ” Very Good snarled. “We can handle these pirates. What are we good for, if not teaching scum like them a lesson? I’m not letting them fly the coop just because you’re spooked by the rubber man!”

“Wait, did I just hear him say…?” Usopp asked, trying to find his feet. Helmeppo mirrored the thought. Cipher Pol  _ 0?!  _ On his ship?! This- this was bad.

Blueno facepalmed. “Thank you, for saying my position out loud. I still had some of that pesky plausible deniability clinging to me.”

Usopp bolted again, dodging the first volley of balls from Very Good. He scooped up Chopper with the hand he wasn’t using to balance himself, and ran.

“Usopp, wait!” Chopper protested, right before-

The second volley had a little more luck. Usopp reeled, and then reeled a bunch more as Very Good converged on him.

“You ain’t goin’ nowhere, outlaw,” the head said, floating menacingly above the scene.

“Luffy!” Usopp gasped, calling for help. Unfortunately, Luffy…

Oh, god. What was even- how did that even  _ happen? _

Helmeppo lifted his visor to get a better look- and it was just as he thought. Strawhat and Nawawana were the spitting image of a cartoon dustcloud melee, with limbs and heads poking out of the fight. Except, instead of a dustcloud, it was a tangled ball of stretched-out rubber and twisted rope.

“Let- go!” Luffy yelled.

“C’mere! I’ll bite yer arms off!” Nawawana said, his head snapping at what was presumably one of Luffy’s limbs. A stray rubber fist clocked him in the side of the head.

“Not if I bite yr armph frmph!” Luffy said, grabbing a mouthful of rope in his teeth and biting down.

“Naaaaagh! Whippersnapper!”

This spectacle was enough to distract everyone else on the scene long enough for Very Good’s head- and the rest of his floating orbs- to be blasted into a wall by a torrent of seawater, which rushed in from the hole in the side of the ship. When it cleared, Very Good was whole, soaked and getting to his feet.

Helmeppo spun around. Were they  _ sinking?  _ Why were they taking on wate-

Oh.

There was a ten-foot-tall fishman on the boat, suddenly. A  _ specific  _ ten-foot-tall fishman. An ex-Shichibukai fishman. Helmeppo wasn’t sure exactly what flavor of terror to be feeling.

“I’ll keep him pinned down,” Jinbe said.

“What?” Helmeppo asked. Why- who- why was Jinbe attacking- why was he telling him- what?!

“Hurry! Run!” he gestured- at Usopp.

“R-right!” Usopp said. “Come on!”

Chopper didn’t take Usopp’s hand. “No,” he said.

Jinbe- the 400-million-bounty escaped convict- looked confused. “No?”

Usopp grabbed at Chopper’s hand, but he pulled away. “Chopper- seriously? What- we gotta run!”

He shook his head. “Haven’t you been paying any attention? We’re not leaving! We have to find the killer, and- and get justice!”

Jinbe frowned. “Wait- I heard about this. Some of the marines on the other ship were talking about it. This ship’s doctor was killed, right?”

Usopp threw up his hands. “Who CARES?! That’s- so far outside the neighborhood of being our problem! We need to get  _ out  _ of here!”

“I agree,” Blueno said. “You need to leave. I won’t try and stop you.”

Very Good got to his feet, shaking off the seawater. “You  _ coward!  _ You won’t try and stop them? That’s- that’s gotta be treason! Mutiny! You don’t just let pirates go!”

“Is no one  _ listening  _ to me?!” Chopper demanded. “I’m not going! I’m going to stop Dr. Fishbonen’s murderer!”

“...And  _ then  _ you’ll leave?” Blueno asked.

“They’re not goin’ anywhere!” Very Good shouted. “We don’t need to solve the murder! It’s already solved! Longnose there did it!”

Usopp flinched away from Very Good’s accusing finger. “Me?! I- come on! I just- I told you, didn’t I? I just got here!”

“Liar,” Very Good snarled, prompting a reflexive laugh from Usopp. “I know exactly what you did, and how you did it!”

**FOR THE RECORD: VERY GOOD’S VERY GOOD TESTIMONY**

“I suspected it was him from the very beginning! I knew we had a rat stowed away on my ship! Heard them noises scuttlin’ about in there! Something in the walls! Sneaking around the Sublimity! Caught a glimpse of ‘im once or twice, even! Tryin’ to find a way to spring his little pal, no doubt!”

(“What?! No- I told you, I wasn’t here until like, ten minutes ago!”)

“Now, ‘course, that clown couldn’t get close to the prisoner! Not strong enough to bust him out, not with  _ my  _ men on watch. Too weak and cowardly to do anything about it! So- his plan, I bet you, was to slow us down, so his crew could catch up and break the little monster out by force! Buy time for the big guns! Which is why he couldn’t have that  _ doctor  _ fixin’ up my men- if the old coot finished the job, we could leave and take that Tiny Tiny Chopper with us!”

(“Wh- it’s Tony Tony, and- and I was never on your stupid boat! I mean, except- like, for a minute!”)

“Now, this right- oh, hell. Where’d it go?! You idiots made me lose it again! The snake- the murder weapon! Scrawnjob over there couldn’t overpower anyone on his own- so he took Isuka’s Devil Fruit sword! That thing’ll do whatever you want it to, when you’re holdin’ the hilt, and it takes care of all the muscle itself! He used that thing to strangle Wishbone to death!”

(“Wait, didn’t he say it was Fishbonen? And- and I didn’t! Seriously!”)

“Snuck right into the infirmary in the middle of the night! I had a clue he was lurkin’ about, that night, so I was on patrol. Figured I’d find him sneakin’ around that kid Coby’s ship, looking to sabotage us. I caught his shadow goin’ round a corner- and then I gave chase! Slippery bastard kept one step ahead, and kept losin’ me, though. Didn’t even notice he’d done his dirty deed ‘til my men showed up and told me they found a body!”

(“Ch-Chopper, why’re you looking at me like that?! I didn’t! I promise! He’s- he’s jumping to conclusions!”)

“That’s where I’ve been all night- looking around for this twisted little buccaneer. Only ever saw him in the dark, but- that nose! I saw that nose of his, couldn’t mistake it! And the snake- he was carrying the murder weapon! It had to be him! Stole the sword from the infirmary, killed the doctor- and then ran right into our waiting arms, like a big idiot! And now that we’ve got ‘im, we’re not letting him get away with it! Not him, or any of his pirate buddies! So are you gonna  _ help,  _ or not, Blueno?”

* * *

“...I’d like to reserve judgment,” Blueno said.

Very Good went red. “Reserve  _ judgment?!  _ I just told you who the killer was! And we’ve got their captain tied up-” he said, pointing to Luffy and Nawawana’s stalemate of a struggle- “and these two don’t stand a chance! If you just help deal with that giant tuna, we’ll have the Strawhats locked up good and tight!”

Blueno looked at Jinbe. Jinbe looked back at Blueno. Something unspoken went between the eyes of the two seasoned warriors, in the silence. Blueno looked back at Very Good.

“He’d mop the floor with me,” he said.

“Then  _ run, coward!”  _ Very Good taunted. “Use your Door Door power! Take your emergency exit, go home, and leave this to me! We’ve got two ships’ worth of trained Marine soldiers- those rum-guzzling bozos’ve got  _ nothing!” _

“I’ve been instructed to complete a mission,” Blueno said. “They wouldn’t look kindly on my abandoning it.”

“Then  _ I’ll  _ complete the mission,” Very Good said. “I told them, I didn’t need your help! I never needed your help! I’ll come back with Dragon’s head!”

Helmeppo sat down and put his head in his hands. This was way, way, way above his pay grade.


	8. don’t fight entropy my bud *is desperately trying to think of more entropy to write*

Very Good finished his bellow with a huff. But instead of the flabbergasted silence this sudden revelation was due, Usopp said, “Yeah, okay.”

Very Good swiveled around towards his new bellowing victim. “Something ya wanna say to my face?!”

“Nope, nothing, didn’t say a word.”

Jinbe’s frown tugged lower and he crossed his arms. “So...correct me if I am wrong, but so far we are being held up here because of a murder that we have no hand in, as well as our chosen occupation.”

“Not sure I would call ‘pirate’ an  _ occupation, _ exactly...”

“Furthermore, you are in the middle of a foolhardy mission to take down the leader of the Revolutionary Army, and you believe you can complete this task after suffering several casualties already, some quite recent even. And you think you are in a position to also capture an entire renowned pirate crew? When you barely have half of them in your grasp?”

“‘Grasp’ is a strong word,” Helmeppo muttered from his side of the hall.

“I cannot tell whether you are behaving illogically or you’re just a fool.”

Very Good unhinged his jaw to probably bellow something aggressive once more, but was interrupted by a skeleton hopping in through the giant hole in the ship. Brook clicked his teeth together as he surveyed the scene. “I had assumed that all of you would be in dire straits, considering how long you were taking to return, but this is hardly dire. I wouldn’t even call this a strait.”

“You’d be surprised,” Usopp muttered as Brook caught sight of the bundle of rubber-rope-monstrosity and promptly shrieked.

“Oh, Brook!” said one-half of the bundle of rubber-rope monstrosity. Luffy grunted and somewhere in the tangle a hand emerged and waved. “Hang on, I’m almost done…!”

“Almost done bein’ arrested!” the other half cut in.

“Alright,” said Brook after a few moments of silent consideration, “I believe I’ve grasped the situation completely.” And he approached the bundle of rubber-rope monstrosity with his sword unsheathed. It seemed to hum with intent.

“Umm, Brook?” Luffy said in a tone that was not quite concerned but approaching it steadily.

“What?” Nanawana said, a little slow on the uptake due to his head being stuck somewhere on the aft side of the bundle.

“Are you attacking an officer of the law?!” Very Good accused, which managed to clue Nanawana in a little bit and the rubber-rope monstrosity seemed to wriggle a bit more frantically.

“Uh, Brook, swords hurt, y’know? Brook? You know what you’re cutting right, Brook? Hey,” Luffy added, his typical smile turning strained. The additional alarmed chorus from Usopp, Chopper, Helmeppo, several other marines, and (somewhat belatedly) Jinbe absolutely did not reassure him. And so yes, he absolutely did scream as Brook stabbed his sword…

...and wedged it under a loop of rope, tugged upwards, flicked his blade around, and suddenly the rope was all untangled in a neat pile before anybody could finish being alarmed. Luffy took a moment to look himself over for any missing bits before jumping to his feet. “Brook, you maniac!”

“Eh? I was merely untangling you from that gentleman…”

“I thought I was gonna die!”

“What? Why ever would you think that?”

“You walked towards him with your sword out,” Usopp supplied from the sidelines.

“Only to untangle him from that gentleman!”

“ _ You didn’t have to use a sword!!”  _ Luffy loudly critiqued.

As if summoned, Zoro leapt through the hole that was swiftly becoming just another entrance in Helmeppo’s mind. His bevy of swords were all out and his stance tense — but then he stood straight and spat out the one in his mouth into his hand. “What, you’re not fighting? Oh good there’s Chopper. Why aren’t we just leaving already? You didn’t get lost, did you?”

Nami, who had been riding on Zoro’s back (and thus provided an explanation for why  _ he  _ didn’t get lost), hopped off and slapped the back of his head. “You don’t get to say that. Anyways, why aren’t we just leaving already? Seriously, you guys didn’t get lost, right?”

“Well,” Usopp started, sliding very quickly down the slope of resigned, and then two more people leapt/stumbled their way through the hole in the ship, scratching and grabbing at each other.

“Watch out, sirs! She’s the murderer!” said both figures, surprisingly enough  _ not _ pirates, though Helmeppo wasn’t terribly eased to see who they were. Mineda and Olivia were still tussling, the two of them almost dropping to the ground. All the while, tussling with their words as well, a constant stream of, “What! Don’t pretend  _ you’re _ the hero when I was chasing  _ you _ here!” “Nonsense! I chased  _ you!” _ “As if! Everybody, she’s insane! She ran over here to kill us all!” “How dare you attempt to frame me for what  _ you _ were intending to do!”

Helmeppo almost raised a hand to try to get them to stop, but then considered that it might be better for the two of them to be preoccupied with each other (albeit noisily). Nami stared blankly at the newcomers, then at Usopp, who was by now feeling an emotion that could only be described as, lying flat on the floor face down. “It’s. Complicated.”

“It’s not!” Chopper insisted. “Guys, please, I just want to make sure Dr. Fishbonen’s murderer is brought to justice!”

“Chopper,” Nami said, “we’re pirates.”

At Chopper’s watery expression, Nami relented a little and knelt down, smiling awkwardly. “Look, this is a marine ship! If anybody can bring a murderer to justice, it’s them! Now why don’t we all just let them do their jobs and go back to the ship, okay?”

Zoro was still watching the two marine women fight, which had indeed been brought down to the floor as they continued to wrestle. “It sounds like it’s one of them.” Jinbe made a non-committal sound in response.

“One of their abilities does seem to be involved in the incident,” the fishman hedged, and then straightened up when Zoro put a sword back in his mouth. “Excuse me, what are you...”

“I mean, if one or the other is the guy, we kill both, it’s fine, right?”

“Uh,” said Helmeppo, who had been content to feel like a side character until now.

“Er,” Chopper added, not quite able to vocalize every separate objection that he had to that sentiment.

“You fuckin’ shitty asshole bastard!” said Sanji, who seemed to spontaneously appear just to kick Zoro in the head. Zoro crashed into some random marines, then into Very Good, and then the far wall, and continued to crash into the room beyond the wall as Sanji landed with a practiced air, spun on his heels, and managed to reach in the ongoing scuffle and find the hands of both ladies to kiss, surprising the two of them out of their fight. “Ladies,” Sanji said, voice smooth as milk.

“Ugh,” Nami said, already starting to slip into the same general emotion that Usopp had been in for a while now. 

“Fear not that barbarous swordsman, my darlings, for your prince has arrived. I vow to protect you with my life -- and perhaps we could get to know each other over a cup of -- “

“Sanji-kun, we’re leaving.” 

“ -- alas, the winds of fate must separate us so, but know that you are in my heart and mind always...adieu.” And after another kiss on the hand each, Sanji turned and bellowed, “Alright you shitheads, you heard Nami-san, stop wasting time already!”

“But -- “ Chopper started.

“Actually,” Usopp said, his face wrenched with a terribly guilty look, “I. Kinda don’t want to go. Just yet.”

Nami gave him a sincerely betrayed look. “What.”

With a grimace, Usopp bowed his head apologetically, but added, “I’m being accused of murder! I don’t want to leave here with my name uncleared! Especially with the literal law enforcement!”

Nami, throwing up her hands, shot back, “ _ We _ know you didn’t do it! And we’re already criminals, who cares if the marines think you’re a murderer!” Then, after a beat as the words she said fermented in her mind, “Okay, actually, I can kinda get that. But suck it up anyways, let’s just  _ go _ already?”

“As if anybody could seriously think you could pull off a murder,” Sanji added, already walking back to the hole. 

Usopp made a sound that was a mix of “Hey!” and “Thanks??”, spluttered for a few seconds, and then jogged over to the hole and said, “I mean, maybe they would seriously think that if it was looking really really bad for me! Like, ‘happened to be carrying the murder weapon’ bad!”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t be carrying a fucking murder weapon around like an idiot, idiot.”

“How was I supposed to know that crazy snake sword did a murder!”

Sanji paused, foot in the air. Turned around, expression mild, and said, “I confess. I’m the murderer.”


	9. oh no brer sanji don’t throw me into that briar patch

“HA!” Very Good said. “I knew it!”

Black Leg Sanji nodded. “That’s right. You completely figured me out.”

“What?!” Cat Burglar, Soul King, Usopp, Jinbe, and several marines said in unison.

...Wait, what? That wasn’t right. Helmeppo looked up- even if this was getting out of hand, he couldn’t let that slide.

“No- hold on. You said  _ Usopp  _ was the culprit. You said you saw him do it, right?”

Very Good- reconstituting himself- folded his arms. “No, it was Leg Boy over there! Don’t you say what I said or didn’t say, dammit!”

Black Leg gave Very Good a thumbs up. “Yeah, that’s right. It was all me. I killed her.”

Helmeppo gave him a suspicious look. “Him.”

“Him,” Black Leg corrected himself. “In self-defense, like we do basically all the damn time. Can we go now?”

Out of the corner of his eye, Helmeppo caught a glimpse of Tony Tony Chopper, face frozen in horror, with tears running down his face. He was staring directly at Black Leg, and his mouth was starting to move, trying to say something, but held back by disbelief.

Eventually, it broke.

“SANJI!” Chopper wailed. “How- h-how could you?! Why?!”

Bla- Sanji wore a pained expression. He didn’t make eye contact with Chopper. “I… killed him. We’re pirates. He was a marine, right? We fight all the time. We’re… enemies.”

Chopper’s grief started turning to fury. “He’s- he wasn’t a combatant, Sanji! He was a doctor! How- what’s  _ wrong  _ with you?!”

Surprise flashed on Sanji’s face, quickly turning to consternation. He thought for a second, before replying. “He… that’s why I did it. Obviously. He’s a doctor, so… he’s responsible for getting the marines back up when we knock them down. Taking him out is like taking out… a whole platoon of the bastards.”

“You  _ heartless scum,”  _ Very Good added. “Blueno! Take him down!”

Blueno made no move. He simply frowned at the scene in puzzlement, like he’d been doing the whole time.

“Take him down or  _ leave,  _ dammit! I ain’t got no use for a super-soldier who can’t take on a bunch of untrained  _ pirates!” _

Chopper started stepping towards Sanji, slowly, face twisted up in rage. “You… since when are you like this?! Since when do you… how could you deliberately… try to kill as many people as possible?! What happened to… just yesterday, you…!”

Sanji’s expression was indecipherable. He sighed, and… “Just yesterday. That’s… what changed me. I tried to defend myself without hurting anyone… but I couldn’t. All… all I can do is kill. You told me yourself- I tried to help, but only ended up hurting her more. I can’t save lives like you can.”

Strawhat- who’d gotten involved in the brawl between Quill and Mineda, for no particular reason other than that a fight was happening and he ought to be the winner of it- poked his head out to object. “Ib’s nod true, Sanji!” he said, tearstained face partially obscured by a chunk of purple foam. “You helb beoble all the time!”

Sanji looked- kind of annoyed. “Yeah, okay, fine. I realize the error of my ways now. You… inspired the hell out of me, or whatever.”

“Nifce! I knewl it!” Strawhat said with half his mouth, and went back to trying to out-punch a swarm of ink hands. He seemed extremely pleased with himself for having fixed his crewmate’s sadness problems.

“Anyway- that’s why I did it. It was all me, so… if anyone has a problem with that, you can just kill me already. Got it?”

“Oh my god.” Nami facepalmed.

Chopper was suddenly much larger, and looked about to take Sanji up on his offer. He charged him, and grabbed him bodily with an enormous hand, slamming him into one of the few remaining intact walls. Could- could he have done this the entire time?

“Gh…! Heh… alright, then. I deserve it, so-”

“Shut up!” Chopper cried, tightening his grip. “This isn’t you, Sanji! You’re not a murderer! So- so  _ why? _ ”

He winced. “Maybe I  _ am  _ a murderer. Or maybe I just made a mistake. Either way- what’s done is done, right? If you’re gonna punish me for it… get it over with.”

“Oh, for the love of- Chopper, put him down,” Usopp said, rubbing at his temple. “He’s being an idiot. None of that was true.”

“Fuck you it’s not true, shitty longnose!” Sanji snapped.

Chopper looked confused, but released his grip and shifted out of Heavy Point. “It’s… wait, what?”

“Not true,” Usopp said. “I- well, I mean,  _ I’d  _ never tell a lie, obviously, but for unrelated reasons, I’m real good at spotting ‘em. And that? That was some  _ Grade A,  _ right there.”

Sanji looked furious. “You dumb piece of- do you have any idea what you’re doing?!”

Usopp raised a finger, and then paused. “...You know what? No! Not even a little! I don’t know what  _ anyone’s  _ doing right now! What  _ is  _ this? What’s this whole situation, even?”

Very Good loomed. “Your  _ friend  _ killed one of my men,” he said, and Helmeppo didn’t bother correcting him because it really was not the time. “So unless you wanna fess up yourself, I suggest you permit him to my custody.”

“Remit,” Helmeppo corrected, even though  _ it was really not the time, god damn it, mouth. _

“Wh- no!” Usopp objected. “None of us killed anyone! None of us were even- Chopper was the only one here before I showed up, and  _ he  _ for sure didn’t do it, and Fishbone was already dead by the time I got here!”

“...Heh. Or so you thought,” Sanji said.

“For crying out loud- don’t try to-” Usopp said, getting cut off.

“Sky Walk,” Sanji said. “It’s a Rokushiki variant- I can kick off pockets of air at high speed. You’ve seen me do it- I can basically fly. Which means that while you weren’t looking, before you went off to rescue Chopper, I’d already left the ship to go kill Fishbone.”

_ “Fishbonen,”  _ Chopper corrected, still not sure what to make of all this.

“Whatever. It’s that simple, okay? I jumped off the ship, kicked my way over to this ship, stole that sword, and used it to kill Dr. Fishbonen. That’s it. That’s all there is to it, and it’s over. Got it?”

“Sounds pretty cut-and-dry to me,” Very Good said. “Is  _ someone  _ gonna either  _ arrest  _ him or  _ leave,  _ maybe?”

“Who knows,” Blueno said flatly, not making a move. Veins stood out on Very Good’s forehead.

Chopper looked lost in thought. “...Hold on. Why would you kill… Isuka, that girl you hurt, Dr. Fishbonen was treating her. Why would you… try to stop him? I thought you wanted to make sure she was safe… at all costs?”

Usopp shook his head. “Chopper, you don’t need to scrutinize his  _ motive  _ for something he  _ didn’t do.  _ That idiot was lying facedown on the deck the whole time, right where everyone could see him. He didn’t even  _ move,  _ much less kick off  _ thin air  _ and fly over to a Marine warship to kill someone for no reason.”

Sanji chuckled. “Heh… you all fell for my trick, then?”

“Your- your trick?” Chopper asked, worried.

“The fake body,” Sanji said, smirking. “Don’t you think it was strange that I didn’t move at  _ all?  _ Not once? You didn’t think to yourself… surely, he’s not  _ that  _ pathetic, right?”

“Yeah, no one thought that,” Pirate Hunter Zoro said, yawning.

“You  _ shut your fuckin’ gob, mosshead,”  _ Sanji said, lashing out with a kick that was blocked almost without thinking. “Point is- that was a fake body! Some kind of puppet, or a doll, or something! I left that there to impersonate me, so I could sneak over to the Marine ship in the meantime!”

“A fake body that cries softly to itself for hours on end?” Nami asked.

Sanji faltered for a second, then furrowed his brow in determination. “That was… a Tone Dial! I  _ pretended  _ to cry into it, set it on loop, and hid it under the fake!”

Chopper looked completely lost. “So- wait, if- if you did all that, how did you even know where…”

“Nami had a heading- we knew where they were going, because she’s  _ perfect,  _ and-”

Usopp groaned. “So- you got a convincing fake Sanji doll, somehow, dropped it on the deck with a pre-recorded crying loop while we weren’t looking, kicked off into the sky, and flew over to the ship… so you could trick us, and go on a one-man rescue mission without anyone noticing you were gone.”

Sanji thought for a moment. “...Yeah. And that’s because… because if any of you knew I was gone, you’d-”

“And then  _ didn’t rescue Chopper,”  _ Usopp finished.

“Th- because- I don’t know, I couldn’t fucking find him! It’s a big ship, dammit!”

Usopp threw his hands up. “What happened to your Observation Haki, dumbass?”

Sanji looked irate. “It- it, uh… it doesn’t work that way! Shut the hell up!”

From behind him, Chopper tapped Sanji on the leg.

“I- oh, uh- what?”

“...Sanji?” Chopper said, still uncertain but no longer  _ confused. _

Sanji looked nervous. “Yeah? What is it?”

“Sanji, how did you tie up the captain?”

“Wh- Luffy? I didn’t have to- that idiot got  _ himself  _ tied up, probably.”

Chopper shook his head. “No- the captain of this ship. How’d you tie him up?”

He barely flinched, his response coming easily. “...Caught him off-guard. Hit him over the head, then grabbed some rope I brought and... tied him up, like you said. Wasn’t too difficult.”

Chopper let out a sigh of relief.

“See? What’d I tell you? He’s making it all up as he goes alo-!” Usopp started to say.

Sanji wheeled around and jammed his hand in Usopp’s mouth.

“MRGnGNH!” Usopp protested.

“Thanks, Usopp. Now I’m gonna have to wash it twic- OW! Hey!”

“Ym shdhndr haf stmck yrr hmmd nm my-”

Sanji ignored Usopp biting down, apparently considering the chomping a reasonable price to pay for his silence. “Chopper, I don’t know what kind of idiotic trick the longnose pulled, but you can’t fall for it!  _ I’m  _ the murderer!  _ Not  _ Isuka!”

“...Wait, who?” Chopper asked.

“Who?” Luffy asked, having pinned Mineda to a wall with one oversized hand.

Sanji looked baffled. “I-Isuka! She- just because it was her weapon, that doesn’t mean you can accuse such a pure flower of…!”

Helmeppo let out the breath he’d been holding.  _ Now  _ it made sense.

“Black Leg, ‘Nailing’ Isuka isn’t even a suspect,” he said.

“I- what? What do you mean she’s-”

“I disagree!” Very Good said. “Until we catch the murderer,  _ everyone’s  _ a suspect!”

“No,” Helmeppo said. “There are only  _ five _ suspects. There’s only one way to get away with a crime like this, and that’s by putting the captain out of commission. If the murderer didn’t first make sure Captain Coby was out of the way-”

Lieutenant Quill hit the wall in another of Luffy’s hands as he wheeled around. “Wait, Coby’s here?”

“Uh,” Helmeppo started-

“I haven’t seen that guy since I punched him out the other day!”

“The other day… two years ago?”

There was a weird expression on Luffy’s face that Helmeppo couldn’t quite read, when he mentioned that. It disappeared as quickly as it appeared, though, and Luffy immediately ran down the hallway, dragging a thoroughly dazed Mineda and Quill along with him.

Then he ran back over to the hole in the ship at looked around in confusion. “Hey, where is he, anyway?”

“He’s- er, third deck, captain’s study. Down the hall, up the stairs, down the hall again and on the left. Stuck in some purple stuff.” Helmeppo really didn’t need Luffy to be here, and if he could direct that force of nature towards freeing the captain, all the better.

“Thanks!” Luffy said, grinning, and ran off again.

Helmeppo nodded, then turned around, and-

Oh, there was Very Good, looming directly in front of him, looking very angry. Fantastic. “What’s that about five suspects, again?”

“W-wait,” Sanji interrupted. “Five- so, you don’t think she did it?”

Helmeppo shook his head. “For one thing, she’s been completely unconscious since Long Tooth Island. She was  _ severely  _ injured, and she’ll probably stay that way until we can get another physician to take a look at her. She’s not capable of  _ moving  _ right now, let alone murdering someone.”

“Unless she’s  _ fakin’  _ it!” Very Good pointed out, as Sanji’s face fell and he sank to his knees.

Helmeppo shook his head, which was frankly an unreasonably reckless course of action. How many more times could he get away with making this gorilla angry before he got his face broken?

“Her condition was diagnosed by Dr. Fishbonen. It’s unlikely he would’ve lied about that to cover the tracks of his own murderer.”

Oh, no, okay, that was Very Good’s face leaning in very very close and breathing surprisingly minty breath in his face. “Well, then! Look at you, mister fancy pants! It’s not her, then. But you got some  _ reason  _ it can’t have been these pirates?”

Okay, deep breaths. There was probably a way to say this that didn’t end in multiple bone fractures. “...Like I said, the murderer needed to incapacitate the captain. His Observation Haki would’ve let him detect the perpetrator of any crime without fail, so he needed to be knocked out. Unfortunately for the culprit, that same Haki would’ve interfered with an attempt to knock him out with conventional methods, so they needed to lay a trap. It looks like they had the bright idea of using one of Lieutenant Mineda’s grape bombs, so they could deal with him remotely… but that same method is what lets us narrow down the suspects.”

“Th- that’s right!” Chopper spoke up. “It- it couldn’t have been Sanji! He didn’t have a key to the officers’ quarters!”

Ooookay. There it was. The killer, Helmeppo was fairly sure, was in this very… room? This very laser blast wound. And, realizing that the noose was tightening around their neck, they’d be taking action to derail the investigation as soon as they realized where the evidence was pointing.

“Hold on, hold on,” Nami interrupted. “What kind of evidence relies on keys, again? Are you about to build a case that relies on the idea that nobody knows how to pick locks?”

...That was a good point, actually. “Er… well, I guess that does force us to reconsider certain-”

“Wait, no,” Nami corrected herself. “I really don’t care. Forget I said anything. Pretend like lockpicks don’t exist if that’ll get this over with faster.”

“...Right. So, the logic is… these grape bombs, the kind used to incapacitate the captain, are the product of a Devil Fruit power belonging to Lieutenant Mineda, who…” 

Oh. Right. Strawhat had run off with her, and Olivia, too. Both technically suspects, but…

“...who is not currently present. The nature of her ability is such that anyone can- um, her hair is made of the stuff, so anyone who could approach her in her sleep could acquire a bomb. The reason this is important… is that she sleeps in the officers’ quarters, a room that requires a key to enter and exit. Normally, only four people have those keys- herself, Lieutenant Mineda, Captain Coby, and myself. However-”

_ “However,”  _ Very Good interrupted, “there’s someone here who don’t need a key to walk through doors, ain’t there?”

“...Yes,” Blueno said, not otherwise reacting.

“ _ Someone  _ who might have  _ secret orders  _ from a  _ shady organization  _ to murder a troublemakin’ doctor, huh?” Very Good continuing, pointing accusationally. “Someone who you pirate kids might wanna help me  _ arrest,  _ don’t you think? Or at least chase off into his little emergency exit!”

“Why the hell would we want to-” Zoro started, but-

“No,” Chopper said, his voice about as low as it went in his Brain Point form. “That’s not the however. The however… is that Lieutenant Commander Helmeppo and Captain Coby didn’t have those keys that night. They’d been taken by someone else- Lieutenant Nawawana-”

“For the  _ last  _ time, y’little whippersn-”

“-and Captain Very Good, right?” Chopper finished. Helmeppo breathed a sigh of relief, there- he hadn’t wanted to point the finger himself, because that’d mean having that finger broken, probably.

Very Good scowled. “Are you kiddin’ me? It’s  _ obviously  _ the shady super-assassin who can walk through walls and do whatever he wants! It explains everything! Now  _ someone  _ kick his ass, already!”

“...Say, sonny,” Nawawana said. “Didn’t that blindfolded fella say the killer didn’t open the door to get in? All he heard was footsteps, right? Means it’s someone who can get in a room without openin’ a door!”

Very Good froze. “...Yeah. So- shut up, Lieutenant. Thanks for pointin’ that out.”

Wait- was that what he’d said…?

“That’s not what he said,” Chopper said, once again saving him from having the broken face threat level elevated. Why was he even saying anything, anyway? The little raccoon kid seemed to have this under control.

“No, it is,” Very Good said. “Anyway- hurry up and send this assassin packin’! Don’t you people have… some kinda grudge against those Cipher Pol people?!”

“...I believe I’m starting to understand,” Blueno said, still standing there impassively.

“He said the opposite,” Chopper said, realization not so much dawning as being all the way to midday already. “He said the door opened, but there were no footsteps. Which means… someone who didn’t need to have their feet touch the ground was the culprit.”

Very Good took a deep breath. “That means… it’s gotta be that Quill lady! The one who messes with ink! She coulda floated in on a cloud of the stuff!”

“Not possible,” Jinbe objected, surprising everyone.

“Wh- Jinbe, you know something about this?”

He nodded. “I took reports from a number of marines on board the WMS Sublimity. One report established the doctor’s time of death as after 2:40am- yet Mineda and Quill’s testimonies establish each other as alibis after 2:00am. The bomb caught the captain before that time, but there was a considerable amount of time between then and his earliest possible time of death- presumably while the killer was waiting for the doctor to be alone. Still- both Mineda and Quill are accounted for since two. Their mutual assurance that the other was the culprit… seems to have ironically cleared their names.”

Chopper’s eyes widened. “Which leaves… Lieutenant Nawawana, who I was with the whole time, and…”

Helmeppo’s vision went spotty as a giant fist send his head reeling back.  _ Seriously?  _ Why him!? Why now, when he hadn’t even said anything?! Had he just been… standing too close, and been the first person available to hit?!

“The HELL is wrong with you Asshat Pirates?! Who do you think you’re tryin’ to accuse? It better not be who I think it is, ‘cause- in case you forgot, there’s an  _ assassin  _ standin’ right there!”

“An assassin who can’t levitate,” Chopper growled. 

“No, I can move rather silently,” Blueno corrected. “If I were to kill the man, it would be no trouble for me to conceal my footsteps. Let’s not accuse the good man of murder based on misapprehensions about my capacity for stealth.”

“Y’see?! He’s admittin’ to it! You… Nawawana!  _ You  _ get him, at least!”

“Right!” Nawawana said, launching his arms at Blueno, and subsequently thin air as Blueno effortlessly sidestepped across the room.

“I admit to nothing. It’s simply  _ possible  _ that I was the one that did the deed. It would seem it was  _ not  _ possible for three of the other suspects.”

Helmeppo groaned from his position on the floor. That CP0 freak, acting like he didn’t give a damn… the man could move about however he wanted, so there was no way anyone could prove it wasn’t him. The real culprit- the one who wanted Blueno gone, purely so he could try to take all the credit for a suicidally dangerous mission he’d have to be supremely overconfident to think he could handle? The one who went out of his way to stall for time and make it easy for the Strawhats to show up and force Blueno to retreat? The one who’d killed Doctor Fishbonen, so his men wouldn’t be patched up in time to leave before the Strawhats could catch up? The one who could levitate every part of his body? That culprit? There was no way to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was him.

Without that hard evidence, there wasn’t anything he could do to get him court-martialed or anything like that. He might not get what he wanted- he might be stuck taking the Cipher Pol operative who’d embarrassed him along on the mission- but he wouldn’t face justice for the murder he’d committed. (Murders, plural, most likely- his ship’s own doctor had died during the Long Tooth Island incident, and Helmeppo somehow doubted that was the work of the Strawhats.)

Sanji cut in. “...Just to be clear, I was, uh… that was all, um, made up, about killing the… I lied. Sorry.”

“All of it?” Usopp asked.

“I- uh, that’s… except the parts about the dummy, obviously. That’s… that was still all a trick I came up with. I didn’t actually-”

“Yeah, no one believes that,” Zoro said, snickering.

“Wh- believe  _ this,  _ you piece of shit!” Sanji snapped back, aiming a kick for Zoro’s head.

_ If only,  _ Helmeppo thought,  _ there were a pack of unaccountable violent bozos running around who didn’t care about jurisprudence and could be convinced to exact extralegal justice on belligerent law enforcement personnel based on nothing but a convincing hunch. _


	10. aw fuck I guess I’m gonna have to think of a spectacular finisher rip

Nawawana, who certainly had his faults, still had a healthy serving of perseverance and certainly didn’t let details like “deadly assassin” and “CP0 officer” get in his way. Blueno side-stepped another rope slung at him, took out a knife from who knows where, sliced up -- or, not sliced, because the rope just ended up spiraling itself around the blade, and then Blueno stabbed it into a nearby wall, thus increasing the number of holes in the ship. It was probably going to be a miracle for either marine vessel to make it to the nearest base.

This did not actually do much in terms of restraining Nawawana, who could probably just unwind his rope-arm and go on his way if he wasn’t so busy screaming bloody murder about his arm to notice that his arm was still attached to him.

“B-but,” Chopper cut in above all the screaming, “if it was Blueno, why would he go out of his way to use the door when he can just,  _ not? _ ”

“Good question,” Blueno said impassively, and nothing else.

“And, and there’s no reason for Blueno to even kill Dr. Fishbonen! But  _ he _ has a motive!”

“Huh? Does he?” Nami squinted suspiciously at Very Good and then back at the pointing Chopper. “So, what, case closed? Are we all satisfied?”

“Good enough for me. Culprit gets arrested, I’m not accused of murder, we take our leave, done and done. So long, guys, good luck with all that!” Usopp waved his jaunty farewell and headed to the nearest hole. 

“Er,” said Helmeppo.

“Circumstantial evidence!” Very Good bellowed for him, causing Usopp to sigh heavily and pivot back around on his heel. “Y’got any witnesses?! Any proof?! There ain’t none!”

“Wh -- but, it’s so obvious!” Chopper turned to Helmeppo, who was unfortunately the current most authoritative figure in his sweet little reindeer mind. “Blueno wasn’t the one who told Nawawana to help fix the ship engine, drawing Coby out and giving him the perfect opportunity to rig the jelly trap thing! And, if Coby had to be taken out because of his Observation Haki first, then -- Sanji,” Chopper turned towards where Sanji and Zoro were still squabbling, then turned away from that. “Usopp,” he continued, “how does Observation Haki work, can you just, tell who’s who?”

“Uh, what? I mean...no? Sometimes? Like...people have different auras, but I mean, it’s a little vague...but like, it’s not like mine’s all that strong? I dunno.”

“In any case, if the culprit was worried about Coby knowing Dr. Fishbonen was killed instantly, then wouldn’t that mean he didn’t have an instant way to just escape? For instance, didn’t have special door powers?”

Very Good’s face turned a grade redder as he blustered, “Circumstantial evidence!” once more.

Helmeppo stiffened under Chopper’s expectant glare. “It, it’s...he’s not  _ wrong, _ ” as he was assaulted by several groans, he added, “trust me, I’m right there with you, it’s just -- “

“ _ Are _ you, now?” Very Good  breathed threateningly near him.

“ --  _ I have similar suspicions, _ it’s just, everything you’re saying is pure speculation, there’s, I mean, it’s not really,”

Teary-eyed, Chopper spun and aimed his dangerously guilt-tripping eyes at Nami. She recoiled slightly, took a step back, glanced to the side. “I-it’s...I mean I’m still right, it’s not our job, the marines should -- “

If the light that just went on in Nami’s eyes were less metaphorical, it probably would have counted as a flashbang. And her sharp smile sliced at Helmeppo’s direction as she said, “So, what’s the typical bounty that a murderous marine officer would get, out of curiosity?”

Helmeppo intended to say ‘What?!’ along with everybody else. In his mind, he said, ‘That is literally above my pay grade.’ Somehow, both of those combined turned into, “That would depend on the rank of the officer and the level of threat they are judged to hold against the public safety and the World Government, but estimating from current and previous comparative examples, around two hundred million?” At the end of the sentence, he winced, proactively anticipating an incoming fist/ball-shaped projectile. Granted, if he was anticipating one, he could have maybe proactively, blocked? Dodged? That might have been the smarter move. But really, ‘whack Helmeppo in the head’ seemed to be a theme of the day and he had never been great at dodgeball and actually why hadn’t he been punched yet?

Helmeppo risked cracking open an eye and saw a quickly retreating cloud of balls down the hall, then opened his eyes all the way just in time to spot Nami pointing dramatically to shout, “After that two hundred million!” Chopper, who had already transformed into Leg Point and moved to pursue, did the feet version of a double-take and almost stumbled. 

“U-uh, I’m doing this for Dr. Fishbonen,  _ not _ for berries, just, so we’re clear and all -- “

“Less moralizing, more bounty-hunting,” Nami shot back, about to sprint off herself, at least until she spotted someone at the end of the hall turning around the corner and in front of Very Good’s area of trajectory. Recognizing that particular color of straw yellow, she called out, “Luffy! Get him!”

“Eh?” Luffy said from halfway down the ship, and he turned his head just in time to get bowled over by (various parts of) Very Good. Luffy fell over. Very Good didn’t, given that the law of gravity didn’t apply to him currently, and so it was easy for him to arrange his spheres such that one set held Luffy up by the arms and another set levitated a knife threateningly close to Luffy’s neck. 

The atmosphere felt dense, all of a sudden, like Helmeppo could choke on it, choke on the tension that radiated from all members of the Strawhat Pirates the instant that knife pointed its end towards their captain. It was impressive. Admirable, even, not that he would ever say it out loud in front of witnesses.

“Now see here,” Very Good managed to get out before his head got slammed with gratuitous precision down into the floor and got embedded there. From the way the rest of him seemed to drop and bounce mindlessly around Luffy, it didn’t seem he was likely to get up.

“I’m sorry about all this trouble, Luffy-san,” Coby said, bowing his head sheepishly like he hadn’t just knocked a grown man unconscious. Or, for that matter, like he wasn’t supposed to be encased in a big block of gel still.

“Coby!” Helmeppo exclaimed as all the tension dropped like a wet hammer. “You’re back!” The second half of that sentiment, ‘I don’t have to be in charge of this mess anymore!’, Helmeppo decided to leave unsaid.

“You stole the bounty,” Nami added, her expression radiating passive malice. 

Coby’s grin turned uncertain as he looked between the two of them, unsure who to address first, and he decided on an all-inclusive, “Yes?” The way Nami tilted her head back and groaned dramatically made him wince, nice kid that he was, and he seemed about to apologize. 

“But, the trap, the foam, how did you get out?” Helmeppo cut in with a very legitimate question and not at all intending to prevent the local pirate hustler from wringing dry the two swiss cheese that once resembled naval vessels. 

“Y’mean the grape jelly thing?” Luffy said, managing to answer the question indirectly. He was digging a finger in his nose as if he hadn’t had his life threatened just a few seconds ago.

“Is -- is that edible?”

“It’s really not.” Mineda and Quill had also returned, both looking rather disheveled. How weird grape-gel-bomb hair could ever be disheveled, Helmeppo didn’t know, but Mineda’s hair was definitely the opposite of sheveled. 

“Captain,” Quill said, standing straight and adjusting her glasses as though she didn’t have half of her ponytail hanging loose and the other half draped down her face. “May I take this moment to suggest that given such a weakness in what was presumably a perfect tool of subjugation, such services are not needed -- “

“What the heck! I get it now, you murdered the doc to get me fired -- “

“Actually, we figured it out,” Zoro called lazily from down the hall. “It’s not either of you two.” The concept seemed to completely flabbergast the two officers. 

“By the way, you might want to restrain that ball guy,” Sanji added, pointing at a groaning pile of marine that seemed to be shaking himself into consciousness.

“Allow me.” Blueno tapped a foot against the floor, and a trapdoor swung open, letting the various balls tumble into whatever was behind those doors he made. The startled yell was quickly cut off. “That should do well for a cell for now. May I assume that the accusations against me are lifted?”

“Hey!” Luffy said, pointing with the finger that had been up his nose a second ago. “You’re the door ox guy!” Blueno didn’t respond to this, though he did seem to tense slightly from the sudden movement. But immediately after, Luffy turned back to Coby. “Is he being mean to you? Should I beat him up?”

“No no no no, Luffy-san, he’s, uh, technically my ally, it’s alright,” Coby replied hastily, looking increasingly uncomfortable about the situation. His eyes drifted around the ruined hall before snapping alight. “But are you hungry?”

“Captain,” Quill said, her flabber now completely gasted, “You aren’t suggesting that we  _ feed _ these pirates -- “

“Hell yeah I am!” Luffy interrupted, inadvertently answering both marines’ questions at once. “Let’s do it! Party time! Hey, Robin, Franky, get up here! We’re having a party!” 

“We’re  _ what?” _ came the faint, boisterous response of “Cyborg” Franky.

Coby at least had the decency to look a bit overwhelmed at what his distraction was turning into. The rest of the Strawhats seemed resigned. The various vestiges of Very Good’s crew that had been in the area looked rather uncertain regarding their current employment. Helmeppo almost had a headache, but then remembered that, well. He wasn’t the one in charge now.

With a congenial pat on Coby’s shoulder, he said, “Welcome back, Captain.”


End file.
